Remembering Isabella

Perfect present

2012-01-01T11:16:00.001-05:00

I came across this blog of another couple who lost their little girl. Her husband did the sweetest thing ever. He made her this book - he had lots of people take part and Ellie went everywhere.

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I want this. I want someone to think to do something like this for me. I want someone in my life who knew Bella and how much she meant to me and go to the great extent to do this. I know that won't happen so I think I'll do it myself

best.gift.ever. for a bereaved parent.

2011-12-22T11:42:00.002-05:00

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living.. my baby you'll be.

If you don't see it...

2011-12-18T11:13:00.000-05:00

If you don't "see" the tears dripping down my face the whole time I'm wrapping presents, it means we can ignore the big pink elephant in the room, right?

Last night, my husband and I planned a fun night of some wine, appetizers and wrapping presents. I really love to wrap presents with bows, ornaments and go all out. My husband on the other hand is much more efficient and does the kids gifts while I spend 40 minutes on one gift. It started out fun, we had a great day of shopping without the kids (read: we got a lot accomplished)came home, broke out the wine, turned on the Country Music Christmas and got to wrapping the ridiclous amount of that we bought.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't truly cried re: Bella for some time now. The holidays are always especially difficult with her birthday being January 9th though. The tears would NOT stop flowing - I've been fine up to this moment. A stab of pain daily here and there, but not the mindnumbing pain that I can't shake hasn't hit yet. I tried to distract myself, that didn't work. I tried to drink more wine, no luck. Tried to eat something, started making myself sick.

I know my husband saw me, he looked right at me many times while tears were streaming down, it wasn't until I was obviously sobbing did he ask me why I was crying. Now, I've been with him for over 5 years - and the same thing happens every year. My response - why do you think i'm crying?!?!?!?!? He suggested I take a break and relax for a few. I told him no, I'll push through.

That was the end of any conversation.

Isabella was never mentioned. Hugs were never given. I'm sorry was never spoke.

I absolutley hate this. I hate that I'm on my own regarding this. I hate that Bella is gone. I.hate.it.

P.S. I need to post some pictures of her little decorated area. That I did - alone.

(yes, I'd like some cheese with my wine)

Fear

2011-12-04T23:08:00.000-05:00

The fear of loosing Ava is so real and so raw that I could never explain it to anyone who has not lost a child. It's not always in the forefront of my mind, but if she's asleep for a long period of time, or I can't hear her breating, it starts to creep up on me. Rear it's ugly head. I just got up to check on Ava in the swing, and her cheek was cold. Her cheeks are never cold. I got the sudden urge to throw up. My stomach started knoting up and I choked back sobs from fear. I shook her a bit, and she got mad and moved. Some night I don't like to check on Cameron for that reason, but the older he gets the less difficult it is for me.. I think the first two years are the hardest... Most SIDS cases are between 2-4 months, but most SUDC cases are between 16-24 months I think.

F*ck, sometimes being a bereaved parent really really sucks. Like the pain of loosing Bella wasn't enough, I have to leave in fear as well.. Ughh..

On a brighter note, I bought her Christmas tree today =) I'll hopefully go put it up sometime this week.. Depends on the kids...

Here's the most recent family picture of us

Puffy paint!

2011-10-16T10:59:00.000-04:00

So, I always want Bella's "space" to look cared for and special. I usually decorate it with glitter glue in the summer, but that only lasts until it rains so this year I tried puffy paint! I think it turned out great! I have only been there once since I did it, so I'm not sure how well it has held up, but I still have to go put up her Halloween/fall decorations so I'll see then. I love it though.

Its been a long time...

2011-09-20T22:46:00.000-04:00

Wow, I can't believe I haven't blogged since May. I can't even blame it on not having time. I can blame it on a serious bout of depression though. I'm over that hurdle and on the mend though, thank goodness! Bella wise it's been a pretty uneventful few months. No set backs, no breakdowns.

Just last week though, Mia's homework was to write each of her spelling words in a sentence. I try to let her do as much of her homework as she can and help her where needed, which is what I did. Jason looked it over and this is what he showed me...

It still amazes me how Mia remembers Bella. I don't mean she remembers her in the physical sense, becuase they never met. Mia was born well after Bella died, but she will let a balloon go to her, or ask a question about her. It's not like I talk about her often. She just has a big heart I guess =)

I wonder what the teacher thought when she read that!

Really?

2011-05-23T08:47:00.000-04:00

Friday was Bella's wake. It was yet another hard day, of course no one gets it.
I sit down to dinner, thinking the whole time, this is the timespan where I was with Bella before leaving her all alone in the casket overnight (it's still hard for me to think about her being unattended as she was never out of earshot of me. And apparently some wrestler guy died on Friday.. My husband decided to say.. "It's a sad, sad day". I said "WHAT?!" and he repeated himself.

Really? It's a sad day? I'm sure for this wrestler guy's family it was a sad day, but to say that to me.. Really? You what what a sad freaking day is.. looking at your child dead in a little casket. Touching her face thinking it will be as soft as silk like it always was to have it be as hard as a rock. Seeing marks on your childs head from whatever they did at the autopsy and imagining. No offense to this wrestler guy, but I didn't care. I was also so hurt and it made it so obvious how alone I am. I know it wasn't the actual DATE that Bella died, but I had even made a point to tell him that it was a hard day for me and why. Any other day I would have been sad for this guy.. Not Friday.

I am always going to be like this around Bella's birthday and anniversary? Probably. It will always be a rough time of year. The rest of the year, I think I do well and cope, but during the bad times, it's just a constant hurt.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm 6 months pregnant =)

2011-05-20T16:18:00.001-04:00

Right now I was just finishing up the first half of the wake for Isabella. 2-4 and 6-8. I still remember getting there early so I could look at her before everyone else, I had never really dealt with death before Bella. Apparently others had that idea to and started showing up early as well. I had them stay outside for a few minutes to compose myself and put on the hostess smile. I heard a lot of people say “she looks like she’s sleeping”. I guess - if you are always as white as a sheet when you sleep.

This year for Bella’s anniversary it wasn’t too, too bad. Lonely. That’s to be expected though. I had a lot of support through the internet. Bella’s death is like a 2 week reminder for me. Last Saturday (not the date she died, but the day) Tuesday (17th)- the day she died, today (20th)- the wake and tomorrow (21st) the final time I saw her face, her beautiful little face.

I hate everyone and everything during these times. I crawl in a shell and try to come out when I’m not so witchy. It happens every year. Unless you know me, you’d never know anything was abnormal. Which, I guess shows me how far I’ve become. It’s still the worst day of my life the day Isabella died, but this year, I came to work for half a day. That’s a first for. I never thought I would be able to get out of bed on the 17th, nevertheless go to work!

Twofer...

2011-05-14T21:45:00.000-04:00

I'm just sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks. Being a bereaved Mama with no one around who gets it (no family, friends, etc) or even met Isabella is hard.

It's a long, lonely journey.

It may not be May 17th, but it's still Saturday...

2011-05-14T15:25:00.000-04:00

Each year, it's almost like I go through two 'anniversaries'. The actual date that Isabella died (May 17th), and the day of the week that she died (the Saturday after Mothers Day). I don't know if she died during the week if it would be different or not. Maybe it's just becuase my routine is always different on Saturday's becuase I'm not working so it really sticks out. The time they pronounced her dead just passed. I'm not curled up in my bathroom floor crying. Will I be on Tuesday the 17th? Probably not. I'll be crying at some point during the day, but just like the 17th of every month isn't my favorite day, 3:13 isn't my favorite time, but I've learned to deal with it. I'm hoping in time they will just be numbers to me, but I doubt it. I want the time that Bella was born to stick in my head, not the time she died. The time she was born is what mattered the most, right?

It's a lonely day.

Miss you Bella.

I can't handle the truth!!

2011-03-11T22:27:00.000-05:00

OK, I've been doing pretty well latey, and haven't even been posting. Which is a good sign I think. I'm pregnant again with baby number 4 and am so excited. I'm happier than I ever thought possible. Mia is the sweetest, most caring, smart little 6 year old and Cameron is by far my most laid back little one yet. He's a cuddler, and loves his Daddy more than life itself!! Now, we round it out with another little one Due in September, right around Mia's birthday. We aren't finding out the sex this time, for an element of surprise. =)

On to the topic of my post. I was watching some coverage on the Tsunami. I can't handle this type of stuff anymore. I started having a panic attack. I can't take my Xanax because I'm pregnant too. I just can't hand that stuff, or all the talk about 2012 and the end of the world. I just can't. I kept picturing myself trying to keep hold of my kids if something like that happened and keeping them safe knowing I couldn't.

In fact I have to stop talking about it, becuase the house is starting to relocate itself on my chest again and it's hard to breathe..

Before Bella died, I thought panic attacks were made up and just used for attention. Crap, I'm sorry for having that thought it my head. I wish that was the case, beucase I don't want anyone to feel like that!!!

Phew!

it's been a looong time...

2011-02-15T22:15:00.000-05:00

There are so many times i've wanted to blog again, but with all the drama that has surrounded this, I haven't. That makes me sad. It really helped getting my bad days out in the open. Just sharing. I think i'll start up again =)

Christmas…..

2010-10-26T14:17:00.001-04:00

Christmas…..

I thought I was excited for this Christmas. I’ve been excited thinking about it. Counting down the days until I can listen to Christmas music, thinking about what to get people, lighting cinnamon scented candles, etc. Then I turned on the Christmas music and it hit me like a ton of bricks. This Christmas still hurts. Every year I go into the season all excited with high hopes that the excitement and happiness will overshadow the pain. It hasn’t yet. I still get excited and joy during the holidays, but not like I used to. On my way to work today I was thinking about Christmas (while listening to Christmas music) and was thinking about how some people (usually non-bereaved) think me hanging a stocking for Isabella is morbid or something of the like. I will not stop doing it. I remember last year when I asked Jason to hang the stockings he forgot one for Bella and I just let it go. It killed me. Tore me to shreds. It wasn’t intentional on his part, of course, he was thinking about Mia and Cameron. I mentioned it to him and just put on my brave face and said it wasn’t a big deal. She is a member of my family and always will be, here or not. When we didn’t have time to go visit Bella on Christmas I just said it wasn’t a big deal. When I celebrated her Birthday alone a the cemetery, again, put on my brave face and said it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t know her anyway so why would he take off time to freeze singing happy birthday to my dead daughter.
Anyway, I’m getting off the subject. I was thinking about hanging her stocking and realized her memory and legacy will die with me. She should be here living a wonderful life long after I’m gone but that isn’t the case. Mia and Cameron never met her and don’t have any real feeling towards her, sister or not. She’s just someone who was in my life that they have never met so it’s not like they are going to go decorate her grave when I’m long gone. Maybe I’ll move her with me so we can be together. What 30 year old thinks like that. One that’s lost a child.

What I would do for a lock of her hair to see how long it would be and what it would look like. Would it be strawberry blonde? Curls at the ends? Poker straight?
What I would do for a dream where she comes to visit me. I haven’t had one for more than 5 years.
What I would do to get a glimpse into what she would look like now – beautiful, no doubt.
What I would do to hear her voice, hear her snore.
What I would do for one more day (wish for one more after that I’m sure.
What I would do to be blissfully naive and not know what it feels like to lose the first person in the world who meant more to me than anything ever has.
What I would do to have someone in my life who met Isabella and knew the joy she brought…

2010-10-24T12:10:00.000-04:00

Good quote

2010-10-24T12:08:00.001-04:00

From the outside looking in you can never understand and from the inside looking out you can never explain ~ author unknown

Visition day!

2010-10-21T09:13:00.001-04:00

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for some time now, but just haven’t sat down and done it. Jason and I were at the Cemetery this past weekend trying to put the ‘holder’ in for Bella’s cross. It’s a pretty long holder that you have to bang into the ground its maybe 18-24 inches. Well, Jason was pounding it in with the hammer and was saying that he couldn’t get it in anymore. I told him to make sure he didn’t hit the casket. I forgot how deep they put them, but remembered that it wasn’t the standard 6 feet deep. Jason apparently remembered that they are put 3 feet deep. We only know this because once we I was visiting another parent who was visiting their child had pulled up a board (because children’s graves are so small they have to dig up 5 in a row and they cover them with boards until they are needed) and stood in the plot to see how deep they were and decided to share that with me. It was something I really didn’t want to know at the time. Anyway, Jason goes. That’s not even funny, Kathy. Seriously, that’s not funny. I wasn’t being funny – I was freaking being serious. I don’t know far down they were and that thing was long! So, I hold Cameron over the ground to try and see how long a casket would be (Bella was a few months older when she died I wanted to get a general idea because Jason didn’t want to pound the holder thing down any further). Wow, did he get upset when I did that. He got all upset and told me not to do it. He didn’t want to even think about it (and I understand why). I was doing it for a purpose not just to be morbid. I was honestly worried about him hitting her casket with that damned thing. I immediately wanted to cry. Here I am; this is my reality. My daughter, who is just a little big bigger than Cameron IS LAYING IN THE GROUND. He’s getting upset because he doesn’t want to picture Cameron that way (again which I get) but IT’S M Y LIFE. It just put it in perspective I guess. I am completely alone in this. He got upset about j comparing his size to the size of a coffin – Bella’s coffin. (I talk like that is unrealistic for someone to get upset about something like that, right) No one (unless they have lost a child) can relate to me, and most people can’t even STOMACH trying to relate to it because the mere thought of it makes them upset

I don’t blame Jason for hating every second while he was at that cemetery this weekend. He was a good enough sport and tried helping me. I hate that I keep this part of my life almost a secret (not the fact that I had Isabella and miss her). I only go to the cemetery alone before or after work. Decorate as I need to and only ask him a few times a year to go. I know he goes willingly. He’s in a tough spot. He can never do right when it comes to this because it’s such a sensitive subject and he doesn’t fully understand.

what you don't know...

2010-08-09T21:33:00.001-04:00

I stopped by to visit Isabella today. I haven't in a few weeks, and I've really been wanting to. The stickers I put on her headstone have faded and the glitter I put on her headstone has washed away. I didn't have any stickers with me to put some new ones on so I just made a mental note to get some more. I was cleaning Bella's headstone by ripping the grass around her marker and flower holder. I pulled up Bella's vase to get a better grip on some grass to see a ton of bugs crawling around. Thats what you expect when you look at a hole in the ground, right? Thats all fine and dandy for any situation except for this one. I don't want to think about bugs crawling around Bella's casket. I don't think they can get it, it's supossed to be "sealed" but who the hell knows. It just gives me the heebie jeebies and upsets me.

Powerful

2010-06-13T15:10:00.004-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btHzZFUMPDY

Another bereaved parent sent me this, and I really liked it.

I also had a light bulb moment. The only people who I get comments from and think I am grieving in an unhealthy way are people who have not lost child. A walking, talking child. I've never heard from another SUDC parent anything negative about my blog. Coincidence... I think not

here birdie, birdie and a bunch of other crap.

2010-06-03T13:26:00.000-04:00

I’m not witty enough to think of catchy titles for my blog posts, so it’s straight and to the point =).

This weekend Jason and I had mulch delivered. We were outside in the yard all weekend planting and digging up our flower beds. They look pretty darn nice now (if we could just keep the weeds to a minimum) . While we were working in the back yard there was this bird (who I have seen many times, but never thought twice about it) who just wouldn’t leave our side. She sat on the fence while we worked, putzed around the yard, flew around with a worm in her mouth and sat on the rocks next to us watching us. I showed Jason the bird and he said she was there all day while I was inside too. Then Jason, out of the blue, goes you know who that is, right????? He meant Bella. I’ve been talking about getting a bird feeder and a bird bath for a few weeks now. Jason said we really have to do that now and take care of this bird. I love him. I was having a rough day we went to my parent’s house and I came across some stuff in which I didn’t want to know, which solidified that we will not have an ongoing relationship with them, ever. I hope to them what they are doing is worth it – it must be. I’d be a terrible parent if I let my kids around someone who supports a rapist (child) and they do. I’m sure we all have our own reasons and opinions but it is what it is and there is no way I’m letting my kids around that. Plus, I’ve just had enough. So, anyway, I was just upset about the whole situation and that just made me tear up. Jason is so sweet. He doesn’t think I have issues (like others do) and will support me. I tend to believe what he says seeing he sees me all day every day so he knows how I really am (outside this blog). I’ve also been talking to my therapist, explained some of my thoughts that I have posted on my blog, and she supports me as well. She doesn’t seem to think that my thoughts are morbid or disturbing or that I’m not moving on. Anyway, I’m going to stop defending my actions because I’m a grown adult and I shouldn’t have to defend my actions =).

Also, Jason placed an order for t shirts in memory of Bella! He’s taken up running and doing 5K’s and such and when we went to the last one he saw a few families with shirts running in memory of their children and he wanted to do the same thing, in memory of Isabella. I’m a lucky girl to have such a caring, sweet guy. We have a bunch of plans this month and quite a bit of it is just time for him and I, which I am looking forward to. We don’t get out too often together, just the two of us =). Sitting at home before going to bed doesn’t count.

Anyway back to the bird. I know I’ve seen this bird before, but I never really paid that much attention to it, until now. I know it’s not Bella, but each morning this week when I have woken up to get dressed the bird is sitting at my bedroom window and it touches my heart. I want to believe in that type of stuff but I don’t. Ah well, at least it gives me some comfort. When we sell our house though I’m going to miss that bird =)

Don't read

2010-05-29T14:25:00.002-04:00

If you have NOT lost a child don't bother reading this blog. I don't want to hear from non bereaved parents a word about what I write. I don't care what you think.
This blog is 1/100 of my life and for people think that I'm some morbid or depressed person is wrong. I love my life. I miss Bella every day, but I don't wallow in it every day of my life. I cherish the time she was with me and wouldn't change it for anything.

Remembrance

2010-05-23T21:25:00.003-04:00

This year I took Bella's anniversary off work. I, of course not thinking scheduled a second interview with someone and my boss ended up doing the intervew. I can't believe I scheduled something. Duh.

Anyway, I just laid around the house, went to visit Bella, took about 20 hot bath's and watched some video of Bella.

Here are a few pictures of us trying to decorate Bella's grave. All of the glitter got washed away and I went back and did it again this weekend.

Cameron

2010-05-22T23:58:00.002-04:00

Cameron looks so much like Bella. Some days I love it, some days I hate it. Today I was holding him feeding him his baba before bed and he fell asleep in my arms. At the angle he was laying he looked just like Bella did at her viewing. I threw up in my mouth a little bit. My stomach fell and I can't get the picture out of my head. I may just have to force myself to stare at him like that for a long period of time so each time I see it doesn't floor me. I don't know.

May 17th

2010-05-17T12:24:00.001-04:00

Needs to be deleted off the calendar.

2010-04-09T02:28:00.001-04:00

Bella. I miss you. I love you beyond measure.

Easter 2010

2010-04-05T17:37:00.002-04:00

I have a few different things to write about; first I’ll start with Easter pictures. I took the kids on Saturday to see the Easter Bunny and behind us there was a little girl named Isabella. Go freakin figure right? It was bitter sweet, that same thing happened a long time ago when I was trick or treating at the mall . My day had already started out difficult as I decided to start therapy in dealing with all my issues. I just recently was supposed to testify against my brother, which has brought up a LOT of issues. He ended up pleading out and now is in jail for 7 years, rather than the life sentence (3 counts) he was up against. I hate that he was able to get off that easily, but I can’t do much more. Well, in dealing with all of that I apparently ended up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder yet again. I had it before I got pregnant with Cameron and I couldn't’t figure out why, Bella had been dead 5 years I got it then. Apparently that is usually around the time it happens.

I went to visit my Bella and saw that my mom went and left a small bucket. That was nice of her, I haven’t spoken to my parents for quite some time now. I ended up going to the cemetery again by myself to give Bella her basket. Jason remembered before we left for all the festivities then by the end he just drove home, I dropped everyone off and went by myself. I went alone for Christmas and her Birthday too. I’m not sure why I still feel let down; I should be used to it. Bella wasn’t my husband’s daughter so why would I expect him to think like me. It’s not fair to him really. I think I have decided I need to be alone. I’m so sick of being misunderstood, crazy, that I wish someone understood me etc. I told my husband that and his response was “me too”. I just clammed up. I was trying to open up and he did that. I know I have a LOT of baggage, I’m aware of that. I guess I wasn’t aware how much of an outsider I feel because it used to be just Mia and I and I didn’t rely on anyone.

Anyway, my Easter was just a pretty crappy day. Went to bed early like every day now a days. The kids had a great Easter though, I'm glad I can hide my emotions enough for them. Mia had TWO egg hunts, we colored eggs, curled her hair, did the Easter basket thing, she helped me make fudge. She loved every minute of it. She got 2 Easter baskets, 2 HUGE books and I think when she goes to her dad's she'll get 2 more Easter baskets this weekend! When did Easter become like Christmas for the kids? This year we hid the basket and left bunny "tracks" for her to follow to the basket, she cracks me up. Little Cameron was as sweet as could be (especially for not having a nap) and had no idea what was going on, but he was just happy shoving everything he could in his mouth :). That little man makes me smile.

Friends

2010-03-23T08:24:00.001-04:00

My friend did this and I didn't even ask her to.

Poll

2010-03-17T15:57:00.003-04:00

Leave a comment with how you found my blog, if you are a bereaved parent or just someone who enjoys reading my blog. I've seen an increase in traffic and I'm just nosey. I like that people feel they can read it, especially if you have lost a child, but wonder if you know me, and how :)

I'm just really nosey :)

Happy St. Patricks day. I'm away on business this year, so I can't decorate Bella's grave nor see my living children all dressed up!! I miss being home and can't wait until tomorrow when I do get to come home.

I thought of you today...

2010-03-03T23:02:00.000-05:00

Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.

looking back

2010-02-24T20:19:00.002-05:00

For some reason on my way home from work I was thinking about things. I'm not even sure how my brain went there because I feel like all I do is work anymore and when I'm not working I try and shut my brain off. Give me some down time!

Anyway, someone cut me off and I got irriated. Then I started thinking about how angry of a person I used to be after Bella died. Holy crap I was so angry-- just in general. It didn't take much to set me off. I would go off on people and my anger was so out of place. For example, I remember trying to return something and lost the reciept so the store wouldn't let me. You would have thought the way I ended up talking to those people that I bought a house and I couldn't return a $100,000.00 item or something - not a $20 sweater. I didn't really see it too much then, but looking back I can see now how I was jsut pissed at the world. For good reason, I know. I didn't give me good reason to be so short with people though.

I was also thinking about the holidays. I stopped at the dollar store yesterday and got a few things to decorate Bella's gave for Easter like usual and remembered that I never took her the Valentine I got her. I was also thinking, I don't want to be too far from Bella when we move. It's hard enough now to stop by, imagine if we moved to Brunswick. Usually the only time I go is on my way home from work before getting the kiddos.

Fundraiser.

2010-02-22T20:50:00.003-05:00

I've wanted to do a fundraiser in memory of Bella for so long. After Bella died each year I would do a collection and send the money to SUDC. I wanted to do a "Run for a Reason" (trademarked by SUDC) but just never had the time or resources. Jason, who knows how much i've wanted to do this came up with the idea of a golf outing. He knows a lot of guys who like to golf. It seems to be MUCH easier than planning a run. Jason came up with this all by himself and is taking the reins. I hope we are able to do it. Memoralize Bella and raise funds for SUDC to help other parents.

This is one of the many reasons I know I have the best husband in the world.

Thank You.

2010-02-02T07:41:00.001-05:00

Thank you, Uncle Danny, for the CD that you made for Bella during the wake. I hear a song now and it reminds me of Bella in an instant, and also gives me comfort that I know other people may hear that song and think the same thing.

"She barely even had a personality"

2010-01-26T19:59:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged in awhile and todays comment made me find time to.

A lot of things have been happening regarding Bella lately, but today's just broke my heart.

I had a fellow co-worker pass away last year, and today there was a film crew in our office filming for our annual conference as well as a memorial in her name. I was talking about it with my boss, and we ended up talking about how a lot of people at Bella's funeral were upset and crying and they never met Bella, some Had never met Bella, Chuck, or I but they were visibly upset and it didn't make sense to me. I mean I know going to a funeral like that is heartbreaking even if you didn't know the family. I was saying I was surprised how emotional people were having not known here and he says "what are they so upset about- she barely had a personality yet!" I just faked some laugh and walked out, stomping on my heart all the way to my desk.

Ouch.

Why would anyone say that. She did have personality, dammit.

Ouch

2010-01-16T18:05:00.001-05:00

Somedays it hurts to breathe

2010-01-11T15:56:00.000-05:00

Some days it hurts when I breathe.

Usually I can go to the cemetery without much emotion. I go, say my hellos, decorate then go on my way. Well, this morning was different. I went quickly before work to see if anyone else stopped by for Bella’s birthday, and just tell her I miss her (yes, I’m aware I can tell her that from anywhere- I just happen to feel “closer” to her there).

It was still kind of dark out, and the cemetery was completely deserted. It was so cold and lonely. As I drove in I just pictured Bella laying in the ground under all that snow and cried and cried and cried.

I miss her so much around her birthday (and her angelversary) it hurts to breathe.
What I would give for one more hug, a smile or little laugh from those chubby little cheeks, and those dark brown eyes.Cameron has Bella’s eyes. Sometimes it hurts to look at him. He never fails to make me smile though

8

2010-01-09T14:45:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday sweet little girl.

Happy Early Birthday

2010-01-07T21:02:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking of you, constantly.

Insecurities

2010-01-07T20:53:00.002-05:00

When Isabella died, I became terrifed of the dark, and noises. Almost like if someone had previously broken in your house you would be on edge, hear noises and be scared to talk in a dark room. Well, for some reason I was like that for quite awhile after Bella. I'm not sure why I was scared-- it made no sense to me, but I was.

There is another pretty big life event going on right now,and has brought out a lot of fear, and insecurities. I'm mildly scared for my life now - It's always in theback in my mind.. I doubt this person would track me enough to try and hurt me, but they have before in more ways than one.

Ever since I found out this information, I seem to have the same type of fear from after Bella died. Scared of the dark again, jump and noises, always checking over my back.

I've decided that it must be linked to this type of stuff. I just need to find out why and how.

Forgotten?

2010-01-05T04:47:00.003-05:00

It's hard for me to grasp the reality of you being gone sometimes and knowing that I'm pretty much alone in this.

Jason asked me to hold off putting up Bella's tree becuase he wanted to go with me to do it this year. I waited, and waited. I mentoned it, he blew it off. I eventually got sick of waiting and went and did it myself. He then kept saying, I was gonna go with you, just wait and we'll all go. He's famous for saying " I was going to" when I do something i've been waiting on because I get sick of waiting. By that point, I didn't want him to go anymore.

Last year for Christmas ( and every year before that) he has gotten me a present from Bella. This year... Nothing. I'm not mad about that, but can't figure when he stopped caring about this issue. I took her a present alone, I didn't want anyone to come-- I was too bitter.

I told him on the way to a family gathering that it really hurt my feelings that he put me off about Bella's tree. That he should have either not said anything about it, or actually went and did it with me. He said "sweetie, I just couldn't find the time. Again, it's the principal.

I think last year it was just in the forefront of his mind because of all the drama with the wedding surrounding Isabella. He knew I kneeded it, I needed that extra push when it came to remembering her.

Isabella would be 8 in 4 days. I guess we'll see if he remembers that. I haven't mentioned it, nor has he.

Some days I just want to go scream from the rooftops becuase I get so frustrated!! I want someone to hear me, to understand me. Maybe cut me some slack once in a while.

Miss

2009-12-19T00:07:00.002-05:00

Miss you sweetie. We alll went to the annual candlelighting in your memory. It was nice, I hate blowing the candle out.. you know why.

kisses.

2009-12-06T20:10:00.002-05:00

Mia has had quite the attitude lately. I'm at my witts end. I've tried time-outs, taking toys away, yelling, sending her to her room, etc. Nothing has worked and she's getting worse and worse. I just cry becuase I don't know what else to do and can't take it.
Today she told he she wants to die- she said it while staring right at me trying to upset me. She knows talk like that upsets me and she was just trying to hurt me. I felt my heart break. For so many reasons. 1) that my little girl is hurting me on purpose . know she's only 5 and not sure if she fully understands it but she does understand it enough to know.
2) that she's saying she wants to die. I know she doesn't mean it, nor grasp the reality but it knocked the wind out of me.

=(

Miss

2009-11-23T22:35:00.001-05:00

Miss you, sweetie. Holidays are always a bit harder than the rest of the year. You would be turning 8 if you were here in Jan.

My girls

2009-11-04T13:07:00.001-05:00

My girls are very lucky. Their dad may not show it often, but he loves them with everything he has. He just shows it differently.

Worlds best....

2009-10-23T09:57:00.002-04:00

This is one reason why I have the worlds best husband.

Today I called him at work while I was home with the baby and he told me about a "dream" he had, but he swore he was awake.
Last night after Jason fed cameron at around 5ish he put him back in his co sleeper but he was still fussing so I got up with him and brought him out in the living room so Jason could get some more sleep.

Well, when I talked to Jason today he prefaces what he wants to tell me by, I want to tell you this, but don't want you to get upset although you probably will. He told me that he was having a dream where there were e2 little girls running around playing tag. He recognized one of the voices as Mia's but he didn't recognize the second one. He heard running around like they were actually playing, the pitterpatter of little feet up and down the hallway and running around our bed. Then he heard Mia say something like "I'm going to get you sissy". Sissy. Bella.

Then he told me it seemed so real like it wasn't a dream. He said I swear I was awake Kathy I really heard footsteps. It really freaked me out.

Mia didn't say anything when she woke up so I'm sure it was a dream of Jason's but it was so sweet to hear. Why can't I have dreams like that? I guess the medium I went to a long time ago was right -- Bella considers Jason her dad over her actual dad. I'm not with her dad anymore, but when I was with him he didn't talk about her often and wouldn't go to the cemetary. I know he thought about her often though.

I love my husband and miss my daughter.

You see it, you feel it... At least I do.

2009-10-05T12:41:00.002-04:00

I was supossed to go to the cemetary yesterday with Jason but that never happened so I ended up going today with the kids while Jason was at work. I've been upset becuase I haven't taken Cameron there yet and had been telling Jason that. Mia, I took her first week home. My first week home with Cameron was hell to put it mildly.

I'm all excited (as excited as one can be going to the cemetary to visit your kid) to finally be able to put out decorations and not have the landscapers throw them away. I park in front of this huge white suburban (reminded me of the OJ Simpson case) get out our scarecrows to decorate. we walk up to Bella's headstone and see that a funeral must have just ended. There is only one car left and a couple sobbing over this tiny little casket not much bigger than my arm. It was a beautiful white casket. The parents just stood there holding eachother sobbing. I wanted to run over there and hug them. My pain came flooding back. I'm sick to my stomach still and this was almost an hour ago. I remember the absolute raw pain standing there saying my final goodbye to Isabella. Not wanting to leave becuase I knew her beautiful little body was going in the cold cold ground and I would never ever see her again. Ugh, I'm begining to dry heave. I have post partum depression something serious and I think this must have set me over the edge. Nothing has been going right in the past few months and I'm an emotional wreck but wanted to finish the pregnancy before getting back on my antidepressants. I go back to my midwife tomorrow for my 6 week check up and thats going to be the first thing I ask her about. Anyway, my heart is broken for this couple, as well as for me all over again. I called Jason and immediately felt like an idiot. I feel like an idiot any time I share my feelings about Isabella anymore. Espically with all the drama that occured last year. I feel like an idiot when I get that panic in my chest when I don't hear Cameron breathing, I feel like an idiot when I have the same memory of Bella day after day and try not to say anything because i'm like a broken record. I only have so many and the ones I have are diminishing. There are memories that I know I had a year ago that are gone.
Ah, I'm in quite the "funk" and can't wait to get out.

$$$$

2009-10-05T00:47:00.002-04:00

Well, we got the apnea monitor and already returned it. Insurance didn't cover the cost of it and we didn't have the $600 a month to rent it. I only had it on Cameron for one night and when Jason heard the alarm you could tell he hated that machine. All he said was is it seriously going to be that loud, that would wake the dead or something to that effect. I hate it too, but he actually sounded pissed off and he never sounds that way. So, between that and hearing the price I just said forget it.

No apnea monitor for Cameron. This is HUGE for me.

Pain

2009-09-16T10:03:00.002-04:00

Well, Cameron's Angel Care monitor went off again last night. It took me longer to wake him up this time. I shook him a few times, nothing.. Yelled his name, nothing then just when the absoulte panic set it he was fine. I, on the other hand, was not. I can't do this. I ended up in the bathroom dryheaving into the toilet after crying for about an hour. My husband saw me in a state that I prefer no one see me in. All he could do is say, you need to breathe. I just kept thinking what if we didn't have this angel care monitor would he have stopped breathing for good? What if I leave him asleep in his swing or something and he stops breathing? All of the what if's were whizzing around in my brain and it was complete overload. I haven't cried like this for about a year so I guess it's about time. I am calling today to get the apnea monitor. Even if my doctors are being the way they are about it I feel now that I need it, not only for my peace of mind but to make sure nothing is actually wrong with Cameron. If something is, mark my words I'm going to flip out for their comment that I need to settle down and that he is perfectly fine. I hope he is though. I love this little man more than life itself and if something happened to him or Mia - I'd be done.

My fear.. It's real

2009-09-14T10:03:00.002-04:00

The fear of my kids dying. It's real. It's happened. If no one can tell me why it happened, how it happened or if I can prevent it in the future why would I not be terrified of it happening again?

Cameron's Angel Care Monitor went off last night. That means there was more than 20 seconds of no movement (breathing, etc) I woke up and had to shake him, then he took a deep breath. That fear- it was real. The feeling in the pit of my stomach when I heard that alarm. ****. Why can't this be easier? Mia is 5, she's alive and she's "ok". When will the fear I have end. When I was seeing a therapist she told me it's normal and will never go away but if it rules my life then it's a problem. It doesn't rule my life by any means, but it is there. Now with Cameron it will be more at the forefront than usual. For the next 3 or 4 years it will be on my mind constantly while checking on Cameron during sleep. I finally got a little better about Mia, she doesn't sleep with her Angel Care Monitor anymore and I'm usually OK with that. I love having kids, I love being a mom, I love staying home. I hate this fear, I hate that Bella is dead. Some days I love my life, some days I hate it. Today is one of those days. I love it and hate it all at the same time.

Doctor....

2009-09-10T09:17:00.003-04:00

When Mia was born after Isabella died I got an apnea monitor for a year. I didn't use it the full year but I had it if I needed it. The apnea monitor really wasn't for Mia, it was more for me and my peace of mind. Now that Cameron is here I asked his pediatrician for an apnea monitor. They are very hesitant on letting me have one and when I took Cameron to the doctor yesterday the ped said "only for 3 months". He's fine, nothing is going to happen.

Whatever

I wonder if I had them write that down on paper and get it notarized if something does happen I can hold them responsible?

Do you know how many times I was told Bella was "fine".

Do you know that SIDS/SUDC happens to kids that are "fine" 99% of the time.

Am I supposed to feel better because she listened to his heart with a stethoscope felt some joints pulled him up to check his neck muscles and weighed him and told me he's fine?
I get he's fine. To me, he's a perfect little porkchop. That still doesn't mean that the fact that Bella died just like that and she was fine 5 minutes before she died isn't always in the back of my mind.

I understand their reasoning, but they aren't with me when I check on Cameron and that fear paralyzes me either. They don't knowthat feeling because if they did, they wouldn't give me a hard time about having one, and limiting it to 3 months (and that's not when I need it the most either--- it's when I switch him to his crib rather than the co sleeper next to my bed where I can just stick my hand out and feel his little heart)

Sigh.. This is the part that sucks.

I love this little man more than life itself and I hope nothing ever happens to him.

Facebook

2009-09-09T08:29:00.002-04:00

I was just on facebook and wrote "I love my life" and felt immediate guilt. All things considered, I love my life. I love the family my husband and I have created and our new little addition to this world. Cameron David Stachewicz who was born 8-27-09. I'm able to stay home for 12 weeks and I love it. I'm happy. Well, I'm as happy as I can be. I still miss Isabella terribly and am in fear every day that something can happen to Cameron. My doctors are trying to make me not get an apnea monitor but I still want one. It's MY peace of mind, dammit. They've never lost a child.
I guess I should change it to All things considered, I love my life. Though I still hate my life. I hate that Bella is dead and buried in the ground. I hate that I feel pain every day, I hate that I'm in fear of both my kids lives on a daily basis. It no longer consumes me like with my Mia was first born after Bella died, but it's always there in the back of my mind.

For the first time..

2009-07-19T01:15:00.002-04:00

For the first time ever I did something that I LOATHE . When some stranger asked me if this was my second child I said yes. It was to some weird (but nice) guy at Marcs who was just trying to be nice and ask me about my pregnancy. I was in a hurry and holding up the line and I didn't want to explain. I cried as I left.

Funky

2009-07-10T08:05:00.002-04:00

I've been in quite the funk latley. Everything else has been weighing on me and always it ends up coming back to Bella. I guess maybe becuase I lack the energy to push it aside? Usually I can cope with Bella's death, but when I'm in a funk about other things it pushes itself to the front of my mind and I can't force it back. I guess I lack the willpower or even just the energy.

The other night Mia came and crawled in bed with me. It was very sweet. She fell asleep while feeling the baby move :). I was able to watch her sleep with out constantly check to see if she was breathing. It was a milestone for me.

I think i've decided that I want to make this blog into more than just Isabella. I do have other thoughts/feelings that I just don't post on here because it doesn't pertain to Isabella. I'll have to give it more thought. If I do decide to do that I will make it private and if you would like to still follow me feel free, just let me know so I can add you :)

Thank goodness today is Friday. Too bad I can't just lay in bed all weekend.

Gone, Gone, Gone

2009-07-10T08:03:00.001-04:00

My husband sent this to me back in May.

I’ve sat and stared at this for 15 minutes now as to whether I should send it or not. I don’t want to make you sad and don’t want to offend you but might be a good “Bella Song”. I hope you see where I’m coming from. I love you.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering: was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not... 'Cause she's gone gone gone gone gone
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
But she can't... 'Cause she's gone gone gone gone gone
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses, with roses in my hand?
And would you get them if I did?
No you won't... 'Cause you're gone gone gone gone gone
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

Bittersweet

2009-06-05T09:32:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm getting ready to go to Mia's Pre K Graduation and i'm so excited and proud. The sad part is as excited and proud I am this still hurts. I'm still sad. I never got to experince this with Bella. I think I will feel this way with each big milestone. It's weird to have such strong conflicting emotions. Of course the happiness will override the sad, but it's still there lurking.

Death-I'm not OK.

2009-05-31T19:36:00.003-04:00

Phew. I just got done with a mini breakdown.

Mia won this fish maybe 3 years ago, we named him Slappy. He's been a fixture in Mia's room ever since. He (we just assumed it was a boy because he got so big) actually had a personality. How can a fish have a personality you ask? I'm not sure. It was weird. He knew when it was feeding time would get all excited. Anyway..

I was cleaning Slap's tank and decided I needed to go get him a new one because his was just getting gross no matter how much we cleaned it. We packed in the car and ran to Walmart. Mia picked out new rocks for the bottom and back home we came.

Well, tonight I killed him. I went to fill up the new tank. felt the water, felt his water and made sure they were pretty close. Filled it up and put Slappy in. Mia has not been listening tonight at all (which stinks because she has been soooo good lately-she's overtired) so she was in a time out crying and screaming like it was the end of the world. He flipped over weird, so I touched the water to double check that it was the right temp. Holy crap the water was hot. I freaked. I knew this was it. I called down to Jason who was in the basement changing the laundry and just said "ohmygod, I think I killed him". He comes upstairs looks at Slap struggling and yells, "Well, get him out!!!". I start to freak even more. I don't deal well with death. No matter what the circumstances are. I walk to the living room and sit down.. I hear Jason getting all flustered in there trying to get the poor guy out of the water, then he walks in and shakes his head "no". I lost it. I'm not sure if Jason's ever really seen me like that. He kept telling me I needed to settle down, I was freakin hyperventilating. I haven't cried like that since one time we had to go talk to the pastor, so maybe a year now. I don't deal well with death at all, especially seeing it in the process. Plus the guilt right now of killing the little guy is eating me alive.

Who the hell knew that I would get so upset about a fish dying. Who the hell knew how different my life is from most. I bet you are reading this saying "wow, she needs some serious help". Back before Bella died I would have said that. I just went to a wake last week, and did OK, I think I go on auto pilot though and now I never go up to the casket.

As promised...

2009-05-26T20:27:00.003-04:00

Here are pictures of May 17, 2009

Bella's headstone looks so blah compared to what I thought it looked like.

I forgot to add one small but huge detail in my previous post.

On the night of Bella's anniversary I was laying in bed just like normal, but the tears were flowing. Not crying, crying, but crying where the tears just come. Jason got my "Bella quilt" and "Bella bear" and covered me up and kissed my forehead. He didnt even have to say anything, that said it all.

I'm so lucky. Mia is so lucky to have him as a step-dad. Her real dad keeps saying "one day she'll know" (that he is her bio dad) and I really hope she does becuase it will show how much he loves her.

I miss Bella. I'm so happy I have Mia, and so excited for this new baby. Here is also picture of me 25 weeks pregnant! Ya, I gain a lot of weight, it's what I do :) I get fat and have babies then work my butt off to loose all the weight :)

D Day

2009-05-20T12:08:00.000-04:00

May 20, 2009

Well, the “anniversary” date of Bella’s death is over. Today was the day of the wake, and tomorrow was the funeral. So, even though most people think that after the actual day she died I should be OK, I’m not. I replay the rest of the events in my head. Today, like the day before, Chuck and I woke up and left the house as quick as we could. Chuck went and bought a paper that had the obituary in it and went to his work and told them while I showered. I hated being in that house alone so I sat on the balcony and waited. When he got back we then went to tell the daycare and my work. It sucked walking into the daycare with out Bella. Ingrid and Terri asked where she was and we had to tell them. Chuck started gathering her stuff they hugged us and we left. We went to Ahola and told them and the HR manager didn’t know what to do. She just started crying. She called in my immediate boss and he just hugged me. I then asked if I could get some phone numbers from my computer. They both followed me into my office and I felt like a criminal. They watched me the whole time. I wonder why they did that. Then I’m pretty sure we went to his parent’s house. We bought both of the families a rose bush to plant in memory of Isabella. We wanted to buy a lemon tree because Bella loved lemons but were told that they wouldn’t grow in Ohio. We got ready and went to the funeral home. I made sure to tell everyone this time that we wanted some time before everyone got there to see Bella and digest it. (How do you actually digest that?) I was absolutely terrified to walk up to that casket and look at Bella, but I knew I had to. I finally did and commented on how pale she looked. The funeral director asked me if I wanted more blush on her. I looked at her like she was crazy. I didn’t mean to, but the thought of putting makeup on Bella!?!? Then I realized she probably had a ton of makeup on. I just said no thank you, she’s just a baby. Then I realized that she didn’t have her earrings in. The funeral director asked me if I wanted her to go down to the corners office and get her belongings so she could put her earrings back in for tomorrow. I told her no, I didn’t want her to be poked anymore. She asked me if we wanted a lock of her hair. I told her no, because then she would have a bald spot. I really, really, really wish I would have said yes. We then did the song and dance and greeted everyone, did what we had to do. I think that evening we went to my parents house (which was the last place I wanted to be, that is where Bella died) or we could have went over there the next day after the funeral, I don’t remember now. It just sucked.

In a previous post I write that it hasn’t gotten better. I want to take that back. I have gotten better, probably much better compared to when Isabella first died. I guess I expect it to not hurt as bad as it does. I have to come to terms with its going to hurt like hell. No matter how much time passes. It’s still going to be the worst pain of my life, even if it does get easier. It hurts, it’s going to hurt, and it will always hurt. It doesn’t hurt AS MUCH as it first did, but it still hurts way beyond any other pain I’ve felt.

I found out that one of my co-workers passed away yesterday. It was a solemn day at work. Death sucks.

I’ll post more later and share pictures of Bella’s bedazzled headstone, I just don’t have the energy right now

God Help me

2009-05-15T19:41:00.003-04:00

You would think this weekend of all weekends I would cherish my living daughter Mia more than life itself.

Nope, not this weekend. I've had it and it's only Friday evening. From the second I picked her up today she's given me a complete attitude. She started crying because I picked her up and she wanted to go to the other teachers class. I hate it when she does this because it always makes me look like I beat her or something and she's upset to come home with me. She finally settles down and we get in the car to leave. Then I try to talk about it with her saying that it hurts my feelings that she cries when she sees me and doesn't want to see me. I asked her if it would make her sad if I cried and ran away when she came to me.. She of course ignored me and just shrugs her shoulders (which is what she always does when we ask questions she doesn't want to answer) and I got upset again because I just don't have the energy. I don't cry often (which if you knew me a few years ago you wouldn't believe me saying that because I cried a lot) but tears started streaming down my face. She looked at me in the mirror and laughed and laughed and laughed to upset me more. I can't believe she was being so spiteful. Sometimes she's so sweet and loving, then other times I get so mad that I want to smack her little butt ( I don't usually spank, we do timeouts). She's been a handful all night already. Hasn't listened to a word we said, mocks us when we speak to her and ignores us. I don't know what the hell has gotten into her tonight but if this is what having girls is like I'm glad I am having a boy. She's as moody as all get out!!! I hope I at least get a good hug from her tonight before Jason reads her her bedtime story. That usually settles me down a bit..

It's going to be a long weekend.

Sunday from 3-5 Compassionate Friends is having their annual balloon release and candle lighting. Last year I invited Marissa and I had Mia. This year it will only be Jason and I. I was going to invite Bella's dad and others but the last time he did something like this (they also hold a candlelight dinner once a year) it killed him. I doubt he'd be up for it again.
We'll see how I do seeing it's on Bella's Angelversary date. I'm sure I'll be fine. I always get through it, don't I?

Website

2009-05-15T12:28:00.002-04:00

How do I condense everything about Isabella into one page? Seems almost impossible, but I want to scream from the rooftops how great of a little girl she was. Isabella was a petite little thing when she was born weighing in at 6lbs 14oz. When I took her home I was scared out of my mind. I didn’t know how to be a mom, what if I did something wrong. Little did I know how much I would fall in love with this tiny little human being that was once in my stomach. She was my life. One little look from her would melt my heart like nothing had before. When I brought her home she was colic. I spent many sleepless nights driving around in the middle of the night or just rocking her. Eventually she was put on Alimentum, a formula for colic babies and she was a new baby!! No longer in pain from her belly hurting her she was the happiest baby I had ever met.
The first time Isabella smiled it was on her Daddy’s birthday. What a great birthday present. The older Isabella got, the sweeter she got. Bella was a quick learner; she crawled early, sat up early, walked early, and talked pretty good for a 16 month old..

Below are some memories that I have of Isabella. Each time I read them it makes me smile.

I remember how she used to try to play patty-cake or itsy bitsy spider. She would get so excited when I started to sing the song, and she would start doing the hand movements.
I remember how she used to help me unload the dishwasher, lol.. I would be loading the dishwasher with dirty dishes, and she would take them out one by one (thinking she was helping me unload the dishwasher) and say thank you each time she handed me something.
I remember how much she loved clothes, hats, and coats. When I would go pick her up from daycare the first thing she would do is point the closet and say coat J
I remember watching Isabella try to “tie” her shoes. She would grab the laces, roll then up in a ball, then clap because she was so proud of herself.
I remember how she would smile even before she was awake when I would wake her up in the mornings.
I remember how much she liked to sit on my lap. In the mornings, we would just sit together no TV, no toys. . Just us..
I remember how she used to say “hi” or “hello” when the phone would ring.
I remember how much she used to love it when she was trying to crawl, and I would pull her backwards by her little feet.
I remember how much she loved strawberries, hotdogs, and green beans.
I remember how much she loved a bath, and when we took one together.
I remember how she would always take my pinky finger when walking somewhere.
I remember how happy she always was.
I remember the love.
I remember on her birthday she was so tired, didn’t have a nap, but didn’t fuss once.
I remember the happiness I would get when I saw her.
I also remember the pain when she was gone.
I remember how much she loved this one toy on her exersaucer, a little smiley face; she would eat the antenna.
I remember the first, and last kiss that she blew me on a Friday at daycare.
I remember how much she loved her popcorn popper, and how much I hated it ;)
I remember her pierced little ears.
I remember her little ponytails.
I remember when she would find her coat, she would have me put it on her, then go stand by the door waiting to go “bye, bye”.
I remember how happy she made her daddy, and how much he loved her.
I hate that those are just memories, and that’s all that I have of her anymore. I will never get new ones, and I hope and pray I don’t forget the old. There are memories that I wish I didn’t have too. Memories of how the wake smelled; there were so many flowers that the smell was overpowering. To this day, I can’t stand fresh flowers. I’ll remember finding Bella for the rest of my life, and every time I replay it in my head I cry. I remember the empty feeling after she died. Wanted to just die myself, thinking how to possibly go on, when you have nothing to live for anymore.
Isabella’s cause of death was ruled “Undetermined death due to Natural Causes”. While searching online for parents that have had babies die over the age of One with out cause I came across SUDC or Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. Basically SUDC is SIDS after the age of One, and what Isabella passed away from. I will still always think how can a happy healthy little baby be playing one minute and gone the next, but obviously it happens. Why to us though..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a Saturday, Bella and I had decided to spend the day together shopping; her dad was working. We woke up early took a bath then decided to go to Target to get her a big girl potty so she could start to get used to it, awe went toOld Navy to look for a bathing suit for her too. I found the CUTEST bathing suit Ihave ever seen and had her try it on. It was a little too small but she lookedso cute in it. She was sticking her little belly out and playing with herbellybutton. I went to get the bigger size, but they were out. I wish I hadbought that now, to hold that memory near. We then stopped at my mom's workreal quick so she could say hi to Bella. I felt Bella, and she felt a littlewarm to me, so I took her jacket off and let her run around in her little skirtand shirt. I made a mental note to take her temperature when we got back home. You see she was getting over an ear infection and I was worried it would come back.. We went to my parents house to do some laundry.. My parents hada crib at their house, because I used to live with them when I was pregnant with Bella. Her dad and I weren’t together at that time. Anyway, I got hera juice baba, and put her down for a nap. A little while after I put her down Iheard her playing with some toys on the crib, I kinda poked my head in, butdidn’t let her see me because I knew if she did she wouldn’t want totake her nap. I continued to do laundry etc. My parents both came home fromwork about the same time, so I showed them Isabella’s potty and how itsang it she went to the bathroom, then I went to check on her to see if she was ready to get up to visit with the grandparents. That’s when thisnightmare began. When I walked in Isabella was face down, with her arms at her sides, her legs straight. I knew the instant that I saw her that something was terriblywrong. I felt her back, and didn’t feel her breathing….. I screamed----there must have been something in the way that I screamed as both my parents came running. I was frozen there just staring. My dad picked up Bella out of the crib, and I’ll never forget his scream. I’venever heard anything like that from my dad; it was pure terror. I looked atBella and she looked Grey to me. I remember her eyelashes looked so long. Ifell on the ground and started crawling around. I don’t know what I was doing or why I was crawling. I think I was saying help me, Chuck.. Someone help me.. My dad called 911, and gave the phone to me, he went in the bedroom to do CPR, I went outside to make sure the ambulance didn’t pass the house (they live on amain street). They finally got there, and just picked up Bella and took her inthe ambulance. I kept asking them is she gonna make it, is she OK, no onewould tell me ANYTHING. The only thing they told me was that her color cameback. I called Bella’s dad and said “I think Isabella is dead meet meat the hospital” that was it.. When I got to the hospital, I wanted togive her a kiss before they took her, but they wouldn’t let me. So I just kept telling her that mama was there and everything would be OK. Theyshuffled us all into a room, Chuck, me, my mom and dad, my parentsneighbor showed up, my sister, her boyfriend, her daughter, the chaplain, andnurses.. I was so mad.. What made everyone think that they deserved to be inhere with us.. I just wanted it to be Chuck and I. I didn’t want to hearother people crying because they were upset, I didn’t want to have toworry about how other people would take the news. The nurses wouldn’t tell me anything, I keptasking.. I asked one nurse just tell me please if you think she’s going to make it. She never answered me just looked down at the ground and said I’ll send the doctor in as soon as possible.. I knew at that moment Isabella was gone. The doctor came in and told me they tried everything but hecouldn’t save her. I kept saying.. “What kind of mother am I, I’m notcrying, my daughter is dead, my daughter is dead, what kind of sick person amI.. Why am I just sitting here”. Everyone else in the room was crying.Then we went in to see Isabella.. I started throwing up the second that I sawher, It looked nothing like my precious little Bella; There were tubeseverywhere that they refused to take out, it just looked nothing like her. Ithink we only stayed there 30 seconds, then left.. I so wish now that I wouldhave hugged and kissed her and held her. Have felt her that one last time.. I was too scared too.
When at the funeral home picking out her things, we had to view the casket.. The director kept saying if you don’t want to look at it, it’s ok.. I said no, I’d like to see what it looks like. (They couldn’t get the one in that I picked out from a picture) For some reason I never thought that it would be so small. When I picked the original casket out it was a picture of an adult one, when I was shown what was available it was sitting on the top of a heater. They even told me that they ordered it a little big because of the things we wanted to bury with her. I almost fell to the floor. It was quite a reality check. I then just handed them the clothes that we chose for Bella to wear (and a diaper) and left. During the viewing I was almost numb, reassuring people that Chuck and I would be OK. It was like a job, telling everyone that we will get through this, and she’s in a better place, making other people feel better, because there was no making us feel better. The day of the funeral I didn’t think would be so bad because I had been looking at her for hours the day before, but the minute we had to say our final goodbye and they ushered us out of the room to close the casket was when I lost it. I would never see my Isabella again. Never hear her little voice, never touch her soft cheek, never feel the joy that she gave me. She was going to go into the cold ground forever, all alone. The rest is a blur for me, I was so upset by that that I can’t really remember the funeral.. I remember the pastor saying that this is Bella’s final goodbye and waving backwards like she used to always do

Energy

2009-05-15T09:27:00.005-04:00

I haven't had any energy to post.
I wish I could sleep the next few days away.
Every year I think it won't be that hard, it's been XXX years.
Thats BS. It's hard and it sucks. I haven't called off this week, which is good considering every morning I wake up I want to go lay in the street.
tomorrow I hope I will clean enough to keep me busy enough.
How does the ex do it? How does his whole week not suck. How does he "not think about it". Thats got to be BS. Even his mom told me once she doesn't think about it becuase it hurts too much.
How is that possible? Why can't I do that?

Name in the sand

2009-05-06T08:57:00.002-04:00

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/05/isabella-marie-hlynosky.html

May 09

2009-05-02T17:05:00.000-04:00

I just want to say. I hate May. When I say it I just feel pain.

Ugh.

I stink at clever titles

2009-04-28T10:01:00.000-04:00

This is my life.

I went to check on Mia on Sunday before going to bed. When I did she was laying in a weird position. Most non bereaved parents would look and think something like ‘wow that looks uncomfortable’. Not I! Oh no, of course not. I’ve already found one child dead while checking on them so why would I think so rational. My stomach falls and that fear creeps up my neck. The panic sets in. ‘Oh God No’ is all I can think. I feel her back to see if I can feel it moving--Nothing. I keep thinking.. ‘What are the odds, it won’t happen again settle down Kathy’. I try to move her and get her to kind of wake up—Still Nothing. The tears start to come and I get ready to scream and she finally moves. Dear God. That used to happen much more to me back when she was around the age where Bella died, but not too much the older she has gotten. I will say.. It happens a bit more now that I don’t have the Angel Care Monitor for reassurance but usually she moves long before I get to the screaming part. I went to bed crying and telling Jason that I thought Mia had died but she was OK. He, of course, didn’t have much to say besides “she’s OK Sweetie” (I mean, I guess what you say in that situation). I woke up the next morning not remembering if it was a dream or reality. I have been having some crazy dreams now that I’m pregnant.

I guess I’m blogging about it because I’m trying to figure out if this will ever end. Am I am going to have this fear with the new baby (of course)? Isn’t loosing a child enough pain that I shouldn’t have to go through this (obviously not)?

Isabella’s Angel Date is on Sunday this year. She died on a Saturday 6 years ago. Mia will be with her dad so I will be without my normal distraction. I often wonder if he remembers the date. I know he does in his head but I don’t think he pays attention to it quite like I do (does anyone?). I remember a few years ago he totally didn’t even know it was May 17th when he called me. I was in New Hampshire at the time. I hope sometimes that he doesn’t remember it was the 17th until it passes because then I’m sure that day isn’t as difficult as knowing that day is approaching and reliving it in your head (not that we don’t relive it on other days). I hope it’s not as difficult as it is for me for the other family members (I’m sure it’s difficult, but I guess I can’t imagine it being more difficult than anyone else than the parents)

Ah well, now I’m just rambling.

I hate May.

Spot..

2009-04-21T08:26:00.002-04:00

I'm in a bit of a bad spot right now and trying really hard to get out of it with out antidepressants.

It smells like death..

2009-04-20T21:05:00.002-04:00

Jason got me a lily for Easter. It's beautiful. I like watching it. I can't stand the smell of it. Every time I take a deep breath I smell death. I guess not death like most people think, but the smell of flowers for some reason take me right to the wake of Bella. There were so many flowers there they ran out of room. They were on the floor, on the mantle, on chairs, etc. The smell was overpowering. Now, I don't like flowers. Isn't that sad? Every girl wants flowers. Not I.

The lily has 2 buds left. I can do this. I can get through the smell. It was sweet of Jason to do :) I love him.

Apnea Monitor

2009-04-19T09:29:00.002-04:00

Well, the other day Jason and I started talking about an apnea monitor and how this baby would have one. I have a feeling Jason kind of disagrees with me on this. I was explaining about how loud it is and all he said was 'that's unfair to Mia' and my response was, that's life and she'll get used to it. He asked a bunch of questions about how often the baby would have to wear it, how tight it is around his chest, etc. Not so sure he was happy with the answers but this is not something that I will compromise on. This is what will give me the peace of mind to sleep at night, the security of knowing that when I walk in the room to check on him I don't have to have that fear of him being dead. I don't have to have that pit in my stomach. By using the apnea monitor with Mia I was able to find out about her heart defect and get that checked out. Now she's a normal happy 4 1/2 year old. He fell asleep while we were talking about it but I laid there for a good hour or so thinking about it. I have never needed to consult with anyone on Mia or Bella; I was always on my own. I did what I felt was best and that was enough. It's going to take some getting used to. Especially since this is Jason's first and he's never lost a child; he can't understand some of my fears. Most of the things I think that I do for my peace of mind is probably going to seem unnecessary to him, but mean everything to me. I know he will work with me on these issues so we can meet in the middle, but I'm concerned that I'm going be be looking like a freak. It was OK with Mia because Mia and Isabella have the same dad and he didn't come around until Mia was 2 which was the tail end of my neuoritic-ness. I'm just hoping these situations don't arise too often and cause a riff. It's a bit of a sensitive issue.

Sigh.

Easter 09

2009-04-19T08:36:00.003-04:00

Above are a few pictures of our "Easter with Bella". Mia and Jason accompanied me to decorate. It was a bit cold when we decorated, but I liked it. There were a lot of other graves around her decorated but she had a ton of eggs around. I did notice that it looked like my mom stopped by there.She left the cheese popcorn and cross. I think she usually visits around easter and Christmas. Once in awhile Halloween. Often times she would just give me something she picked up to put there. I haven't talked to my parents in almost 6 months now though.

Easter day itself wasn't the best day, but we made the best of it. It was nice to have Mia for the holiday. She was a bit of a stinker in the morning, but she got out of her funk. We got invited to Jason's grandmothers for Easter. Jason said he didn't want to go again, but we did. I didn't give him much choice. he was glad to see his grandma. Mia had a good time - had a little egghunt and got an Easter gift. Mia looked very cute in her little Easter dress and her french braided hair.

My last name..

2009-04-09T08:20:00.004-04:00

Isabella Marie Hlynosky
Mia Isabella Callahan
_________Stachewicz

Poor babies. All my children are going to have different last names. I am going to see if I can get Mia's last name changed to Stachewicz with out her having to be adopted. Hell, I'd love it if Jason could adopt her, he's a better father to her than I could have asked for, but she does have a bio father who does love her and would never allow that.

I wish Bella at least had my maiden last name, especially since her dad doesn't really acknowledge her existence. I know he hurts and he has to miss Isabella and each person deals with it differently, but I could never act like Bella never existed. I hate that not one person goes to that cemetary but me. No one decorates but me, no one cleans her headstone but me. No one makes it look like she is still cared about, but me.

I have thought about this for awhile (changing the name) and know that you have to be married at least a year for this to happen. I will have to notify the ex by certified mail which will be fun. I'm sure he'll give me a hard time about it. He gives me a hard time about most things concerning her. I don't want everyone to have Stachewicz and her have Callahan. She'd be the odd one out. I was the only with Callahan in my family (they were all Wendel) and I was the odd one out there.
Anyway, I figure I'll wait another month or so and then file since I know how long it takes anything to get done with jv court. wish me luck!!

My girls.

2009-04-03T19:56:00.003-04:00

It's amazing how much you can love one little person. How your life is in their hands. Little does Mia know that she is what makes me tick. Bella was too. Thats why I don't know how I've dealt with her death as "well" as I have.
I hope every day that nothing ever happens to Mia. I can't do it again. I doubt I would worry so much if I knew why Isabella died to know if it could or could not happen again. I miss her.

Jason is my saving grace. I love him more than I have loved anyone in my life (besides my girls of course). I can say that honestly, purely, and truly.

Friends..

2009-03-31T07:48:00.001-04:00

I hope I dont make you too sad, but I saw this poem and I had to pass it on cuz it made me think of you and Bella. Hope things are going good for all of you!

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

A friend of mine sent this to me out of the blue. It made me cry, not only becuase of the poem, but becuase of the gesture.

Isn't it Ironic

2009-03-18T13:32:00.001-04:00

It’s ironic.

How compassionate something so terrible can make a person. How my point of view has changed. I can hear what people say to me, and think on ‘both sides of the fence’ if you will. I don’t want to call it ignorance, because it’s not. Maybe.. A lack of compassion? Even before Isabella died I’m not sure I would say some of the things I hear. I’m sure there are things I would say, ex: “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, “she was too good for this world”, etc. Stuff like that now sounds so stupid to me, but I understand why people say it. They are at least trying, which takes more effort than them ignoring the whole issue. I wonder how many friends would stick through the whole process. None of mine did. Then again, I didn’t have many friends around that time, they couldn’t stick around watching me get my heart ran over time and time again by my ex. They got sick of hearing about it and watching me always going back and hoping things would change (and they never did). The only one who I think would have stuck by me, Kimmy, died just a few months after Isabella died.

I know some of the things that I think or say may sound crazy, or weird, but they aren’t. It’s not anything that another bereaved parent hasn’t thought. No one would know that though because usually the bereaved are pretty much on their own. I mean really who else would read about their child’s autopsy. No one but a bereaved parent, and pretty much no one but a bereaved parent will know what I mean when I say certain things.

It makes me sick that Bella had to have an autopsy. Sick. I try not to think about the bad stuff, but sometimes it’s just so freaking overwhelming.

Upon Sectioning...

2009-03-17T20:24:00.003-04:00

So, tomorrow I sign my pride and joy,Mia, up for Kindergarten. I can feel my heart beat out of my chest just writing that. Why it's such a big deal is beyond me. It's not like she hasn' t been in 'school' since she was 12 weeks old.

Anyway. Tonight while trying to get everything together that is scattered in different places of this house (I really need to get more organized) to register her, I came across Bella's autopsy report. Crap. It was like watching a train wreck. You know you shouldn't, but you can't help yourself. So, I start to read.. Skim really. I read a few sections to myself, then came across to a few sections which make my stomach churn (or is it turn.. either way I wanted to vomit). Mia was doing something and Jason was sitting on the ground I think just looking at the computer, and I start reading the part that is making me sick out loud to Jason "Tongue unremarkable upon examining and upon sectioning" "ovaries unremarkable upon examining and upon sectioning". I felt my eyes well up with tears thinking about Bella's tongue, which is not in her mouth anymore and chopped up and look at Jason. Maybe 30 seconds later Jason says "It says you have to go to the Board of Education to register Mia, not the mall".

Seriously.

Seriously.

It was like I didn't just say that they were cutting up my baby.

I don't know why I even read those parts out loud.. Maybe so he could kind of understand what I think or feel. I feel like a big idiot right now though.

I should not have read those. I really should have kept them to myself. What the hell was I thinking. I'm an idiot. I have to know everything, I've always been that way and it often bites me in my ass. Point proven.

Also, we had our 16 week prenatal appt today and my midwife was having a really hard time finding the heartbeat. I almost passed out from fear right there. I kept thinking, "come on, how much can one person take-- please let this baby be OK". She finally found it. PHEW! I love my midwife.

Some days you're the fire hydrant, Some days you're the dog.

If I could...

2009-02-11T20:21:00.003-05:00

One of my friends asked me a few months ago, "If you could clone Isabella would you?". I have been thinking about it ever since.

Thats a really good and thoughtful question. I don't really know anyone who would just bring Bella up like that out of the blue. I liked it.

Anyway, I can't really decide my answer. Even if I did clone Isabella the pain would still be there. It wouldn't erase the fact that she died. It wouldn't be my Bella, there is no replacing her. There would be no guarantee that she wouldn't "die" again. It would be awesome to see what she would look like now, her hair..hear her voice. I would love to see if all the stupid comments people said were true (she would have suffered when she was older, it was meant to happen, etc).

I've been thinking about this a lot and she asked it a long, long time ago.

Also... Jason and I attended our first bereavement group together. It was nice, but I was the only one there with a child who lived after birth, so I felt a bit out of place. I'm not sure if we are going to go back again this week.

Weird things have been happening..

2009-01-29T20:14:00.002-05:00

OK, let me preface this post by saying I think I've been posting more than usual lately and I think it's for 2 reason.. 1- Bella's birthday just passed and it brings up more emotions than usual and 2- now that I have another blog I'm on here more often.

and I'm a pretty down to earth person and one of the most skeptical people ever. I need to see things to believe them. That's why I have such a hard time with religion.

Alright.. On to the subject at hand. Three weird things have happened lately.

Monday, we were sitting down to the table to eat dinner and in the middle of dinner one of my key chains fell off what it was sitting on in the middle of the table. We all looked at each other and said, Hmmm, that's weird. Then just brushed it aside thinking maybe one of us hit the table too light for us to feel but hard enough to knock it off.

Tuesday, I decided to go take a hot bath, relax, and read a book while Mia's dad had her for his visitation. I get out, am drying off in the middle of the bedroom and all of a sudden the remote from the TV fell off and scared the crap outta me. I haven't turned this TV on for months. I wasn't even near it. It FREAKED me out, but then all of a sudden I burst out with "Bella baby, what are you doing you scared me! " Looked around because I felt like an idiot, then just started talking like she was there in spirit. Now, if anyone knows me they they would know that as much as I want to believe that Bella is here with me, I just can't. I've been to Sharon Klinger a medium near me, and she tells me stuff, stuff that amazes me and leaves me breathless, but I never see or feel what she says. But what she says is dead on that I can't help but believe it. I'm still a huge skeptic though..

Now, tonight. This is what has me wicked freaked out. We all sit down to eat dinner again and the TV in the living room just shut itself off. WTF???! I've had this TV for more than 10 years and never has it just turned off. I checked the power, got up turned it back on ( I thought maybe it just died on me or something) and it was normal. I just made a comment to Jason, a lot of weird things have been happening lately. To which he responded, "looks like the TV is on it's last leg" (he really wants a new HDTV).

I often will think of Bella if something out of the ordinary happens and try and convince myself it's from her and don't know if that's what I'm doing now, but this week it's been crazy weird.

Car ride home.

2009-01-27T20:14:00.003-05:00

I heard the song Held by Natalie Grant on the way home today and it brought back some memories. I remembered being at my first SUDC conference alone. It was the biggest trip of my life. Going on a plane alone to Phili PA. I met a lot of great people there. It was so nice to be around so many people who just understood. I didn't have to explain anything. It was like a warm fuzzy hug. By the end of that trip I was exhausted.

I was thinking on the way home, how one single second or one single word can change someones life, and it will never be the same.

That split second that I found Isabella. Forever changed everything about me. Who I am, how I talk, how I see things, etc..

I'm still a better person for her little life. She taught me more the time she was here (AND the time that she's been gone) than most learn in a lifetime. I don't put up with BS anymore.. I used to be a doormat - then after Bella died a flip just switched. I refused to let anyone treat me less than I deserved. I was memorializing her. I wouldn't let anyone mistreat her, and I should have said the same about myself.

Anyway, here a few songs that I love and remind me of her, there is one Iwas looking very hard for but can't find.. I'll post more I'm sure..

1-9-09

2009-01-10T20:18:00.003-05:00

Well, the day has come and gone.

Bella is a heavenly 7 years old.

Here are a few pictures of my little "celebration".

As I said in a previous post, no one really mentioned Bella all week.

I woke up, heartbroken. I knew I was planning on going to the cemetary before work and going in a bit late, so I was in no rush to get my butt outta bed. I hate going to work on this day, but it always falls during year end and sometimes it helps me to be at work to keep my mind off it.

Jason snuggled up with me and said he's going to remember Bella extra hard today and all the memories that I've told him about her. I love him. I thought he forgot.

I finally dragged myself out of bed and took Mia to school. Then headed out to Giant Eagle to get the supplies. Jason and I have been really trying to watch our money so I didn't get much, a cupcake, a heart cookies, some cheese curls and balloons. Put on some music that reminded me of Bella and started my trek to the cemetary. I did what I do there and went to work. I'm a bit emotional with the new pregnancy so I was pretty much a mess. Then there was drama at work, which is just getting old.-- and I started to spot. Then I'm freakin out thinking I'm making myself miscarry the new baby.

I just stopped at the cemetary one more time on the way home an laid down. Jason came home with a cake for us to eat in memory of Bella for her birthday. Did I say I love him yet?

and that was that.

I'm still spotting and trying not to stress out.

2009-01-08T19:54:00.003-05:00

I can't take a single thing because I'm pregnant and I'm an emotional WRECK.

Not a one person has mentioned Bella this week. We'll see what happens tomorrow..
On Bella's 7th Birthday. Her 6th in heaven....

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T22:58:00.001-05:00

Another year with out you.

In 8 days would be 7. I would have a 7 year old. That blows my mind. It also make me so sad, becuase that means you've been gone a long, long time. A lot longer than it feels.

Big girl bed...

2008-12-27T20:55:00.002-05:00

Well, Mia's big present for Christmas was a twin bed. She absolutely LOVES it. She's so proud of it and keeps saying how she's a big girl now.

Let me start by saying the bed we bought her is the SOFTEST bed I've ever seen. I swear I would swipe it from her if I could :)

So.. Mia was so exited about it and wanted to take a nap on it on Christmas day. Jason set the bed up in her room and I give her a hug and kiss goodnight and tell Jason, "don't forget to turn on her monitor" and I stop dead in my tracks. Jason just looked at me and said I was wondering why you haven't freaked yet and were OK with this whole twin bed thing. I had never thought about it-you can't use an angel care monitor with a twin bed! (for those of you who don't know, it's a sensor that goes between the mattress and box springs and detects movement. If there is no movement for more than 20 seconds an alarm goes off) Thats what keeps me sane. With out that, each morning I would probably get sick when waking her up because the fear of finding her dead will eat me alive. I know in my heart of hearts that nothing will happen (or if something does there is nothing I can do about it, because trust me - she's been checked time and time again) but that fear still paralyzes me. A lot of parents aren't still dealing with this fear 5 years later because they had to deal with it right away (no angel care monitor). We tried it one night and it just kept going off all night.. I need to come to terms with this no montior thing.

This fear and Bella's birthday (Jan 9) is looming in the back of my mind...

Christmas present??

2008-12-27T20:36:00.002-05:00

There has been so much drama in our lives in the recent past - espically regarding this blog that we have decided to focus on us as a family and what makes us happy and remove negative things from our life.

Our prayers were answered!!!

Jason and I found out we are expecting a little one!!! My due date is Sept 4, 2009. We are absolutely thrilled!!!

With both of my girls (Mia and Bella) I was pregnant and by myself when they were born. It is so exciting to have someone who loves me and here for me to share this with. Someone to touch my belly when the baby is moving, to rub my back during labor, to run and get me my cravings :). Jason can hardly contain himself. He has now started calling me little mama and rubbing my belly(and we just found out!)

I'm so happy to post this uplifiting news on here, beucase usually when I'm posting it's because I'm having a bad day and no one to talk to who would understand.

WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!

Snow Angel

2008-12-06T09:43:00.002-05:00

Don't ever watch this movie. It's disturbing. Jason rented it last week thinking it would be a cute movie. It said nothing on the back about the little girl dying by drowning and them showing her (which gave me a panic attack).

Happy Thanksgiving.

2008-11-27T19:23:00.002-05:00

I never made it to the cemetary....

:(

more guilt

I didn't have Mia this Thanksgiving, her dad did... so I was with out kids. It reminds me of after Bella died.
Jason and I had a pretty nice first Thanksgiving as a married couple. We went to my parents house, then his dad's house. I'm sure not going to his Grandma K's house was hard for him, and I told him we should go, but decided not to.

Anyway, I just wanted to post that I never made it to the cemetary and am a bit sad about it.

Sad

2008-11-24T20:34:00.003-05:00

Wow, I'm speechless. Whoever wrote that mean, awful comment should have kept their mouth shut, or e mailed Jason directly with your comments. Bella has been gone 5 1/2 years now and I have blogged maybe 70 times in that time frame. If you read every blog at once thinking that's how I am every day then yes, you will probably think I have issues. The fact is, I don't. I've gotten "psychological help", I've seen therapists, I've been on medication and I actually help others. I've been through extensive training on how to help bereaved parents. I create and compile the South East Chapter of Compassionate Friends Newsletter Monthly. I have a happy life with a loving husband, and a beautiful 4 year old. I try and live each day to the fullest because who knows if there will be tomorrow. I've learned a lot about myself, I'm stronger than I ever imagined I could be, and you can't beat me down. I do have bad days though, and when I do, this is where I vent. There is no one to try and tell me "things are going to get better",

I'm sorry for whoever posted that comment to Jason, having friends who have lost children, and having those friends view this blog, they should understand that every person grieves differently. Who says the way they are grieving is the "right way"? There is no right way or wrong way. It does become a problem though when someone has thoughts of suicide (which I don't) Some people leave their children's bedrooms exactly the same since they died, some change it right away. Again, neither was is wrong or right.

If you don't agree with my feelings, that is your right, just keep them to yourself. I hear enough stupid comments that I deal with, I certainly don't need this. My blog is pubic for a number of reason 1) I don't think many people actually follow it 2) I've gotten more positive feedback from this blog and my honesty and thoughts then you could ever imagine 3) It helps other bereaved parents know that they aren't crazy and other people do have these thoughts. No matter if we want them to help.

I have pity for the person who posted that comment, because your heart isn't big enough to keep your mouth shut rather than posting something like that. If you truly wanted it for Jason and didn't want to keep it a secret as to who you were, you would have e mailed him, and not posted it for me to see.

this is the last post I will write on this blog while it is public, I will be making it private here shortly, so if you are a bereaved parent, or someone who does read please let me know and I think I can make it viewable by you. It's sad that it's come to this, because no matter what this heartless individual says, I've helped more people in my lifetime than that person ever will, and this blog was half the reason. Seeing someone who has lost a child, still lives a normal as happy as can be life, but still have bad days, and gets through them and still continues to live.

Baby brother -vs- baby sister...

2008-11-23T15:30:00.002-05:00

Jason and I are about to begin trying for a baby. We asked Mia today if she wanted a baby brother or sister (she's been asking for both)
She says, I want a brother, because I already have a girl. I said, who's your girl, Mia replied.. Bella, she's my sissy and she's a girl.
Bless her little heart.

Anonymously...????...I see it as cowardice

2008-11-23T11:07:00.002-05:00

Hello...

Well this is a first here, I have never posted to this site, and to be honest, why would I; it's not for me. If you haven't caught up yet, this is Jason. Hello to all who read this. I am sure you have all read lots about me and for those of you who choose to comment in support of Kathy, thank you! This site/blog provides a great outlet for her and helps in dealing with hard days or even sharing in life's great experiences. Please keep it up!!!

This post, which will probably be the only one of a few I ever write is directed at the people who have an issue with what is posted or have concern for who is or isn't reading/aware of the bog. To answer your question, yes, I am aware of this blog and have been since Kathy and I started dating. In fact, this was one of the first places I learned about Kathy and Bella before her and I ever went out on one date. I have NO PROBLEM with the content posted here. To be direct and to the point, the problem I do have with the site is with the cowards who read it and snipe from a far. It must feel so comforting to have never experienced the loss of a child yet spout off about what is the "proper" way to deal and cope with it. And directly to the person who decided to post anonymously about whether I know this site exists...grow up. If you have concerns about how I feel or what I know, then be adult and express them to me. jstachewicz@yahoo.com Please feel free to email me and we can discuss things. I am not hiding behind an anonymous post like the coward you appear to be. I check my email daily so feel free to get in touch with me as I have some things I would like to say.

I do not choose to use this blog as a back and forth between people who disagree with it's content. That is disrespectful and goes against it's purpose. I hope that the next time I get the privilege to blog here it will be to share something great with all of you, and not to deal with the pettiness that some bring to this world. My favorite saying is "It is what it is" and I guess you'll have that in life. People not equipped with the sensitivity and compassion for someone else's struggles and thoughts. People often wonder why the world is the way it is, why our society seems to be falling apart, and in the microcosm of this comment I can start to see why. If you don't know of which you speak than simply keep your lips closed. Simple as that. And like I said, if you need to vent, please, please get in contact with me, I would be glad to 'communicate' with you.

"Take it all in, it's as big as it seems, count all your blessings and remember your dreams"

--Jason

I'm sorry, so sorry.

2008-11-01T20:55:00.003-04:00

Well, I lost.

In the last post I was talking about how I wanted the slideshow of you (Bella) at the reception. Well.... I lost, there was no slideshow. I did end up having the slideshow at the wedding ceremony where everyone felt it was more "politically correct" and that was very important to me. I was putting off even having a song to dance to with Mia because I felt like I was betraying Isabella becuase she wasn't there to dance too. I was letting Jason's mom win. I decided I would just suck it up and do it at the ceremony and try and please everyone and still do what was important to me. If she thought I was crazy, I figured everyone else would too. Well, the week before the wedding I decided I really need to do the slideshow in the background as I was dancing with Mia. It was important to me, dammit, and I found out that majority of the people who were coming weren't attending the wedding. I told Jason, and he said OK. Well, the morning of the wedding, I tried to play the video and the damn thing didn't work. I couldn't get it to work no matter what I did, Jason wasn't communicating with me becuase it was the wedding day, so I was trying to get it to work via Mark (the best man). I couldn't get it to work and had to leave to get my hair done so I just threw the computer in the back of the car and we left. I wanted to give it to Mark when he dropped his stuff off to give to Jason to fix. Well, that didn't happen. The video never got fixed, no one asked me a word about it after I called Mark and was freaking out that it didn't work.

The ceremony went great, we had the slideshow of Bella, did the sand ceremony,took the pictures and had a good time.

The reception, I had a blast. Jason's mom didn't acknowledge my existence, nor did I her, so I guess all was well on that end. She faked nice and happy and played the part well.
There was not one thing in memory of Isabella at that reception. Not one picture, not one candle, not one balloon, not one slide show. I did my dance with Mia,and loved it, and it meant the world to me, but I feel as though I've betrayed my Bella. Why did I let something someone said make me compromise my feelings.
I will never forgive myself for not doing the slideshow at the reception, never. I just got done dryheaving for 20 minutes becuase I can't stand myself. I know it was done at the chuch, and at the moment it was playing Jason wispered to me "I can feel her,she's here". I swelled with pride. My Bella was with me, on one of the most important and happiest days of my life and Jason felt her near.
I feel Bella most when I look at pictures and hear songs, the song that Mia and I danced to (thanks Angie for reminding me) is one that I used to think of Bella when I head (In my Daughters Eyes, Martina McBride).
I wanted that damn slideshow played during the reception to, during the song for Mia and I and I knew I was upset that it didn't happen, but I had no idea the guilt I would have, or the hurt or anger until just this moment.

I will never forgive myself for letting someone make me feel like a fool to keep Bella's memory alive. They aren't the ones with their children's body freezing cold and rotting in the ground. Their children are right here on this earth.

I'm so sorry, Isabella. Please forgive me baby, please.

Wedding.

2008-09-09T18:33:00.002-04:00

Wow, two posts in one day. I'm on a roll - a twofer.

Jason and I are getting married next month. This should be a really happy, fun time.... right????

Not so much.

Jason and I almost called off the wedding, and you know what it was surrounding.

Bella's death.

Go freaking figure, right?? The one subject that has broken me before broke me again.
How, you ask, did Bella's death almost call off our engagement?
Two words, his mom.

Jason and I had an argument. My uncle recently passed away and I went to the wake, which is at the same place that I had it for Bella, so it was a bit traumatic. Jason got caught up in golfing and didn't make the wake and I was REALLY mad. Well, his mom called me and we talked about it she "understood" where I was coming from. Then, she decided to talk to Jason. Well, somehow he completely changed her mind and decided I was totally in the wrong. Fine, I don't care -- side with Jason, he is your son - I wouldn't expect anything less from my parents I guess.

well, Jason and I are VERY open. We've had trust issues in the past and worked through them.

Well, I came across an e mail that his mom sent to him.

I am getting the impression more and more that Kathy may have some "emotional" issues and sometimes the stuff she says may not always be that of a rational thinking. My biggest "light bulb moment" was when she informed us at the party center that she was going to do a slide show thing of Bella. To be honest, I was shocked, as was her father. I understand her need to remember Bella and honor her in some way, but what bride wants to turn her wedding reception into a memorial service for Bella? That's kinda not normal honey. From everything that I know you are a pretty good boyfriend. Even she has said that you do all the little romantic things and I know you try really hard to make this work. I don't think your ideas of what a relationship is are wrong, could it be you are just with the wrong person? I mean, I hate to be that blunt and I am trying to soften this as much as possible, but, be honest with yourself, if Mia were not in the picture, would you still be with Kathy? I hope I am not out of line, I am trying not to be. I am just making observations from an outside point of view. It just seems like thru your whole relationship with her, she has put you thru some pretty rough times, and always seems to make it your fault. Like I said I don't live there so I don't know everything, but this last issue, I did hear both sides and I gotta tell you, this one is on her. And I'm not just saying that coz you're my son.

Now, I only post this and air my "dirty laundry" because no one really reads this and if you are reading it you've probably lost a child and may understand why I HIT THE ROOF.

I am not going into why Jason and I split up a while ago (because it was 2 years ago) or the previous issues we've had with his mom. I just want to focus on what killed me the most.

She had to touch on Bella's death (this isn't the first time she's done this). There is a place you don't go with me and Bella's death is it. Isn't that common sense? You don't ever touch on the death of a child. I have "emotional" issues!?? Are you serious? I could understand if I seriously did have problems, but because I want to have a slide show of Bella? I know that a lot of parents who haven't lost a child may think that it's kind of weird but if that's what I need to do, then that's what I need to do. Jason is fine with it. I know a lot of people who are like, that is kind of weird, but I can understand why you want to. I also know a lot of parents who are like, OMG ya, how could you not. And why the hell did she think my Dad was shocked? He wouldn't want to watch a video of her anytime wedding or not, so of course he didn't like it. Neither of my parents have watched the video I had made, they say it's too hard. I even tried to put everything else she said about him being with the wrong person aside.

I am heartbroken and now Jason is in such a terrible situation. He's so upset that she's brought up Bella's death a second time as a dig against me. He constantly tell me how well I deal with Bella's death and how great I am, etc. Now his mother has me second guessing everything. We've spoke with the Pastor, my parents, etc to try and get past this. We are trying because we aren't about to let someone else ruin what we have worked so hard to build, but we are both so hurt by what has happened and how all the relationships have changed.

I still can't believe that Bella's death, something which I try every day to live with and accept and deal with is changing my life in these ways. I have finally found happiness and looking forward to the future rather than dreading it and someone has to kick me back down

I know there will always be people who can't understand, or don't agree with how I deal with her death, but it's another thing when it's my soon to be Mother In Law and it is being used against me.

I am at my breaking point and don't know what to do anymore....

Visitation

2008-09-09T18:28:00.002-04:00

It just hit me today. I'm not sure why. No one truly knows how much I think about Bella. I was driving home today talking to Jason and I just said Well, I'm going to do my normal Tuesday routine, and he had no idea what I was talking about. Of course to me, it's totally normal. On Tuesdays (at least, I sometimes stop by other days too) I go visit Bella for a few minutes before going home. I always have a few extra minutes on Tuesday because Chuck gets Mia at 5, so I don't have to rush home and feed her because he does. Jason never knew that I go visit Bella at least once a week still. He probably just thought I just visit on Holidays or something.
Again, like always.. it hit me. I'm in this alone. Not that Jason isn't great about it or anything, but this just reminded me. I miss her. I miss that life. I miss being naive.

Mix of emotions

2008-07-05T22:26:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was the fourth of July. I bought some little flags to put around Bella's headstone, but never got there. We were in a bit of a hurry to get to my friends for a cook out, and I didn't want to impose on Jason and Mia. Mia really wanted to get there and you could tell Jason did too. Sometimes I remember how much easier it was to be alone. I would have just went with out feeling guilty. Now, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I feel guilty for inconveniencing them when I go and I feel guilty to Bella if I don't. I still stop by there a few times a week, but it's always alone.

A few weeks ago I had to meet with the minister prior to getting married and take the 5 classes or whatever they are. It was hell. I left that office feeling like an absolute peice of crap. A terrible person and a terrible soon to be wife. I feel guitly often enough, and she just confirmed everything. I know the minister didnt' mean for me to leave feeling like this, but I did. And in the end it has now made me wonder if getting married is the right thing. If I am as screwed up as I am, is it fair. Do I love Jason how I should? Am I going to shut down? Am putting to much pressure on him?
She said something to me which TORE ME UP. She said. "It's been 5 years Kathy, thats a long time"
ouch.
A long time. I get 5 years in normal time is a long time, but in bereaved parent time, 5 years feels like just a few months. She told me I force Jason into roles and positions becuase I can't deal with things. Said I need therapy, then went on to say how lucky I am that Jason loves me so much (and of course after all this my mind went right to becuase I make him put up with so much)
Besides living every day with the pain, now I wake up and feel like a crappy person and fiancee. Then I snap at Jason constantly because I'm so bitter.

I miss you Bella with every beat of my heart
I wish you were here, and we were never apart
I think of you often, while I lay in bed
and all the things I should have done and said.

I wish people understood the pain I feel
the daily aches, the pains, it's almost unreal.
I can't believe it's been 5 long years
I sometimes feel like I'm drowning in tears.

Some days I feel crazy, like I want to die
It can't be true that you are gone, why me.. why????
I miss your chubby cheeks, you blue brown eyes
when I'm talking to you, I look up to the skies.

I feel so alone, so weak and so sad
to hear I need help makes me so mad.
Imagine loosing the one you love most
and try living daily, looking for a ghost.

I snip and a I snap at the tinest of things
and then I feel guitly for the pain I bring.
Sometimes I want to be selfish and cruel
then I crash and burn and just run out of fuel

I wish there were people who know I how feel
surrounding me to help rather than hinder me heal.
THere is no one to open up to, turn to or confide
There isn't really anyone here by my side.

The people know knew Bella hide her name
It's almost like she was never here, like they are ashamed
I can count on one hand the people who knew her
who speak of her, honor her their memories aren't a blur.

I wish this aching pain I have would ease
To watch Bella grow, I wish I could see
To see her hair with a pretty red hue
to hear her voice, see her eyes, hug her too.

Pillow

2008-05-04T21:19:00.000-04:00

I've been putting it off for years.
Today Jason and I bought a pillow for Mia. She has been folding up her blankets at night using them as a pillow then would cry because she was cold. I knew then that I needed to put my selfishness aside and get her one.
I hate pillows. When I found Bella she was face down in a pillow, I thought she suffocated when I first found her. Face down, arms at her sides and feet outstreched in the pillow. My sister made Mia this tiny pillow for her that was barely big enough for a barbie, but Mia doesn't like it because it's too small.
I am full of anxiety right now and can't stand it. I'm terrifed. I can't stop thinking about it. It's like there are ants crawling inside of me and I cant get them out. I can't stand this, but what the hell can I do? It's bound to happen, she can't sleep with out a pillow forever.

I hate May

Stench

2008-04-18T11:37:00.003-04:00

Last night when I went to go visit Bella, I pulled out her flower pot thing to take home and clean. Well, it REEKED in that freaking hole. As I’m sitting there cleaning her headstone with a wet wipe I thought of something I once told my best friend before she died and she was HORRIFIED. I said “I wonder why cemeteries don’t stink. With all the decomposing bodies buried there and everything”. She said that was disgusting (and that was the moment I realized I need to keep my crazy thoughts to myself) It wasn’t something I WANTED to think about, it just popped in my head (along with other thoughts that people would think I was crazy if I said aloud). Anyway (if you get upset easily upset stop reading) I’m sitting there thinking is that because Bella’s body is rotting away down there???? I about vomited everywhere. Thinking about Bella down there rotting away, yet her beautiful hair growing.. I was torn. I wanted to go down there and get her and cut off a lock of her hair so I can have it and see what it would look like now, I wanted to dig her up and take her home and give her a bath to wash that gross smell off her and put her skin back on like putty. I want Bella to look like Bella forever. It kills me that she’s not going to. I can’t stomach it. I can’t go on living life if I have these thoughts. I don’t know what to do.
I try not to think I’m crazy because I didn’t have thoughts like this before she died. I wasn’t this sick morbid person I promise.
I know if anyone reads these they are going to think I’m crazy. I feel crazy. I know it’s crazy thoughts. No matter how happy I am in other areas of my life, I’m always spinning out of control in regards to this. I keep waiting for the day (it’s now 5 years) for me to be better. But it doesn’t seem like it’s anytime soon. I feel like a baby and like people must think I use Bella for attention. It’s sad to me that I have to try and make excuses for still feeling the way I feel..

I am so lonely.

Vegan or no?

2008-04-18T11:37:00.001-04:00

I’ve decided I don’t want to ever work with raw meat.

As I was making chicken last night for dinner and cleaning it off, it reminded me of a thigh, a fat baby thigh. First Mia’s little porky thigh when she was a baby, then Bella’s. I then starting thinking… how Bella is dead just like this chicken, and I’m eating this THIGH of this chicken. I stood there and cried while trying to finish the chicken for Jason and Mia. Thinking about someone gnawing on Bella’s thigh if they were hungry enough. It brought ugly pictures to my mind.

I could tell when I was telling Jason this he was beginning to think I’m crazy. He asked “Have you ever had this thought before?”. I know it’s a sick and twisted thought. I know it, and I FEEL crazy for thinking things like this. I have no control over it though, it just came. I don’t know if I’m crazy or thoughts like this that pop in a ‘bereaved parents’ mind are normal. (Reading that, it sounds like I’m making excuses, and just trying to label myself)
So, I’m not sure if it’s just RAW meat that bothers me or meat in general now. I don’ t know what do.

Sleeping

2008-03-11T08:16:00.001-04:00

Last night Mia woke up in the middle of the night calling me. I was SO exhausted last night. She was asking to come in our bed (which I never let her do). She must have had a bad dream or something, so Jason went and got her and brought her in. He told her he would touch her foot the whole night so she would be safe and nothing could scare her because he was holding her foot. Little stinker toss and turned for a bit then finally fell asleep. Well, I woke up about 12 45 with, me, Jason, Mia and the cat all on our full bed. I’m not very comfortable with Mia sleeping with out her angel care monitor (yes, still) so I woke Jason up and asked him to take Mia to bed. I gave her a few sleepy kisses and Jason picked her up and went on his way.
This is when my heart broke.
He was carrying her, her little arms and legs flopping around because she was out like a light.
That’s one of the last memories I have of Bella before I technically knew she was dead. The paramedics carrying Bella out of the house (no, they didn’t do any work in the house, they saw her, picked her up and carried her to the ambulance to do the work in there) Bella’s little arms and legs flopping around as they ran out the door.

After that, there was no sleeping. I just turned over and let the tears flow.

I hate moments like that. I woke up wishing there was someone to take a picture of all of us in the bed and happy because I woke with Mia’s little head touching mine. Then in one split second all that happiness from 1 minute before gets pushed back because I see that. I knew Mia wasn’t dead, but my heart stopped. For a split second my mind raced. OMG OMG, did she die and since she wasn’t in her bed with her monitor I couldn’t save her (again)

As I say every time, this is the longest loneliest journey ever and it is eating me alive and I can’t even fix it. I can make the pain go away.

Marriage.

2008-02-26T10:42:00.001-05:00

I was working on the wedding website the other day when I decided to add Isabella to the “Attendants’ category. I wasn’t going to, but I wanted to. I don’t care if people think I’m crazy anymore. I don’t.

I don’t bring Bella up for attention. I don’t do it because I’m weird. I do it because she’s my daughter, here or not. I sometimes think Jason thinks in his head, why did she have to say something? I’m sure he doesn’t walk around telling his friends that I had a child die. Because she was my child. As great as he is, he’s not going to tell people. Why would he. He didn’t know Bella. He doesn’t know the pain. Now if Mia died then he would probably be like me and mention her just as if she was here, or in regular conversation, just like I do. It’s not weird to me to mention Bella, or her death, or anything like that. Crap, I think about it every day still. It may be weird or uncomfortable for other people. I don’t make them uncomfortable on purpose. But, I’m not going to deny myself the little joy I get by acknowledging that she was once alive and a beautiful little girl because of the way people feel. It’s not fair to Bella.

If Bella was here, she’d be walking down that aisle with Mia, side by side. Marrying Jason just like Mia is. I’m trying so hard to find some way to incorporate her into this. Without people thinking I’m crazy. I know little things I can do to make her feel close to me, but to me it doesn’t feel like enough. I want to scream from the top of a building. I have another important person in my life that should be in this wedding, but you will never see her, and this may be the only time you meet her and find out how great of a little girl she was.
So, I’m torn between doing something that wont make Jason uncomfortable, the guests uncomfortable or anyone think I’m crazy. I want something that will memorialize her as well though.

Anyone have any ideas???????

Frozen

2008-02-15T09:30:00.001-05:00

Frozen.

I went to visit Bella yesterday (Valentines Day). I was so upset going in because I didn’t pick her up something for Valentines Day. I felt like such a terrible parent. That’s been happening more often in regards to Bella. I have been forgetting to do things that were once so important to me. It’s not on purpose. I just forget and It’s eating me inside.

So, I go there to clear off her headstone and write I love you in the snow. I park, look out of my window and realize… Bella is frozen. MY Bella is F’IN FROZEN. Her little tiny body is in the ground frozen, and all I buried with her was MY DAMN SILKY!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE HER GOD DAMN BLANKET AT HOME. I can’t stomach that. I can’t. I’m starting to dry heave right now.

I, of course, started sobbing sitting right there and couldn’t stop the whole way to pick up Mia. The daycare people asked me if I was OK. I know it’s not that good to cry in front of Mia, but some days you just can’t help it. Mia asked me why I’m dripping. (That is what she says when she’s crying, (“I have drips mommy”). I said, I just miss Bella, Sweetie. And she says (bless her little heart) “She’s not coming back mommy.”

Keen sense of the obvious, right.

I just said I know Peanut, but I still miss her, and kept trying to compose myself.

I have no one to talk to. No one. When does this pain ease up, I mean seriously?? This is the rest of my life?!?!?

I can’t tell if I’m angrier today, or just crushed beyond measure. Why do I have to live like this. Why did MY daughter die. What did I ever do to anyone to deserve this. What did Bella ever do? Why did she die? WTF is wrong with this world?
I always thought I guess, after Bella died I would kind of get things handed to me. I mean, every day I deal with the death of my daughter, isn’t it only fair that I get out of a few everyday stressors? That’s not the case. I still am dealing with Mia’s father and child support and custody and it’s becoming an epic battle. I’m still trying to figure out how to have a nice wedding on a non existent budget. I’m still blah blah blah.

What the hell do I expect; it’s been almost 5 years. Who has sympathy 5 years later? I thought before Bella died that 5 years was a long time and you should be feeling quite a bit better.
That was before I was labeled “bereaved parent”. Now some days it feels like yesterday still and the pain is so raw. Most days I’ve learned to live with the aching feeling but some, like today, eat me alive.

Heaven

2008-01-23T11:09:00.000-05:00

Crap,

If I'm an "athiest" that means I can't believe in Heaven.

Shit.

this just plain sucks.

Athiest???

2008-01-22T09:36:00.001-05:00

was out with one of my good friends for dinner this past weekend and the subject of religion came up. Now, I’ve never been an extremely religious person but always wanted to explore it. After Bella died I lost all desire. I don’t want to say that I’m an atheist, but I’m not far off. I don’t know if there is a God why Bella would die. I’ve had a terrible childhood and I used to believe in Karma. I was told more times than I can count that I have many good things coming to me.
I no longer believe in Karma, and I no longer have any desire to become religious.
This is the exact reason why..
So, my friend and I are sitting there and he is trying to explain some things that my mind can not just grasp. I’m too much of a logic. Because the Virgin Mary had a baby, in my mind she’s not a Virgin. She had have done something and just didn’t want to tell people. I said it’s never happened since so why does everyone believe it.
Anyway, he started talking about the Armageddon and how the people who have accepted God as their savior will go to Heaven and people who haven’t will go into eternal damnation and burn something, something, and something.

So, I say. So, you mean to tell me.. This is the logic.

God took Bella for whatever reason someone wants to come up with in their heads (being everything happens for a reason, or whatever stupid thing someone will say to make them feel better about a beautiful, healthy little dying)

I’m a good person, help others, don’t break laws, etc.

Because I haven’t accepted God as my savior I’m going to eternal damnation and wont be with Bella?!?!?!?

Who cares if I am a good person and help others, and have a good heart.

If that’s how it’s going to be then I guess I am more than OK with being an Atheist because if that’s how I’m going to be judged, then that’s not a very fair God.

Reflection.

2008-01-17T07:45:00.000-05:00

I was talking to someone at work about Karma the other day. Most people believe in it.

I used to.

I don't.

I think thats sad.

Eyes

2008-01-14T22:45:00.001-05:00

Wow,

I was looking at my engagemet site (www.Kathy-Jason.com) and was looking at the slideshow of the pictures of Jason and I noticed my eyes look so empty. I used to always get compliments on my eyes. It used to be the part of me I actually liked even if they were yucky brown.

I said out loud "my eyes look so sad" and now Jason is upset and thinks that he doesn't make me happy or something.

I can see the pain in my eyes. Even at my happiest moments. I am just sitting here in tears. Why does no one else see it? Is it becuase it's all they know me as?

I'm the happiest I've been since Isabella died. Even at the happiest though, I hurt. i hurt every day.
Right now the pain is crushing my chest. like a house just sitting on top of it.

Candle light..

2007-12-12T07:45:00.001-05:00

I am so angry with myself for not going to the annual candle lighting ceremony last Sunday. I knew Jason really didn’t want to go. He made a few comments about it during the day. I told him he didn’t have to go I’d go alone. But of course he said no, he wanted to go. Well, we were all just laying around while Jason watched his Sunday football game when it was time to get ready. I could tell he didn’t want to go, so when he said Kathy if you still want to go we should probably start getting ready. I knew by the “if you still want to go” that he didn’t want to. So, I just said forget it I’m too tired.

I should have just gone by myself.

I let god damn football win over the wanting to go to the candlelighting. I knew he wanted to watch football. We weren’t in the house a full minute when he sat down an started watching the damn game. I put away the groceries and made dinner while he watched his football game. Now, I hate football. I hate that I let it guilt me into missing something that has always been and will always be important to me. I just didn’t want to inconvience Jason. Twice a year I get to go to these things to honor Bella, and I missed one.

I’m really hating myself.

Lies

2007-11-03T10:09:00.000-04:00

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies.
She never did before.
From now until the day she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

She used to tell the truth a lot,
But now it doesn't matter.
I died and went to heaven,
Her life is all a-shatter.

Ask my Mom how is she. She'll say,
"Yes, I'm fine!"
She wants to beg "Please help me".
I can't find that girl of mine!"

Ask my Mom how is she.
She'll say, "I'm alright".
If that's the truth then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom, how is she.
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice, you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

You think you know the feeling,
But this cannot be.
For even though you loved me,
You didn't love me as much as she.

She will smile and tell you,
"They say there is a plan".
But she will turn away and cry.
Cause she just can't understand.

Tell a joke and she will laugh,
But she is not okay
She wants to share the joke with me,
But it will not be today.

I watch from here, in Heaven.
Her distress disturbs my peace.
Will someone please take care of her,
And thus take care of me?

"Some day you will feel better".
"Yes I will", she lies.
She knows this will not happen,
Until the day she dies.

Ask my Mom how is she.
She'll say, "Thank you. Good".
She cannot tell you how she feels.
Oh, how I wish she could.

Ask my Mom how is she.
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping".
For God's sake, Mom, just tell the truth.
Just say your heart is broken.

Ask my Mom how is she.
"I'm well, I'm good. And you?"
I'll shake my head in Heaven.
It simply isn't true.

She'll love me all her life.
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask how is she.
She'll lie and say she's fine.

Her carnival is over.
She's stepped off the carousel.
But, to save you from feeling badly,
She'll say, "Thanks, all is well."

My Mom, she's not gone mad, yet.
But, oh so very nearly.
Don't ask my Mom how is she.
Ask how is she, really.

I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you, don't listen.
Hug her, hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!"