Remembering Isabella

Well, I lost.

In the last post I was talking about how I wanted the slideshow of you (Bella) at the reception. Well.... I lost, there was no slideshow. I did end up having the slideshow at the wedding ceremony where everyone felt it was more "politically correct" and that was very important to me. I was putting off even having a song to dance to with Mia because I felt like I was betraying Isabella becuase she wasn't there to dance too. I was letting Jason's mom win. I decided I would just suck it up and do it at the ceremony and try and please everyone and still do what was important to me. If she thought I was crazy, I figured everyone else would too. Well, the week before the wedding I decided I really need to do the slideshow in the background as I was dancing with Mia. It was important to me, dammit, and I found out that majority of the people who were coming weren't attending the wedding. I told Jason, and he said OK. Well, the morning of the wedding, I tried to play the video and the damn thing didn't work. I couldn't get it to work no matter what I did, Jason wasn't communicating with me becuase it was the wedding day, so I was trying to get it to work via Mark (the best man). I couldn't get it to work and had to leave to get my hair done so I just threw the computer in the back of the car and we left. I wanted to give it to Mark when he dropped his stuff off to give to Jason to fix. Well, that didn't happen. The video never got fixed, no one asked me a word about it after I called Mark and was freaking out that it didn't work.

The ceremony went great, we had the slideshow of Bella, did the sand ceremony,took the pictures and had a good time.

The reception, I had a blast. Jason's mom didn't acknowledge my existence, nor did I her, so I guess all was well on that end. She faked nice and happy and played the part well.
There was not one thing in memory of Isabella at that reception. Not one picture, not one candle, not one balloon, not one slide show. I did my dance with Mia,and loved it, and it meant the world to me, but I feel as though I've betrayed my Bella. Why did I let something someone said make me compromise my feelings.
I will never forgive myself for not doing the slideshow at the reception, never. I just got done dryheaving for 20 minutes becuase I can't stand myself. I know it was done at the chuch, and at the moment it was playing Jason wispered to me "I can feel her,she's here". I swelled with pride. My Bella was with me, on one of the most important and happiest days of my life and Jason felt her near.
I feel Bella most when I look at pictures and hear songs, the song that Mia and I danced to (thanks Angie for reminding me) is one that I used to think of Bella when I head (In my Daughters Eyes, Martina McBride).
I wanted that damn slideshow played during the reception to, during the song for Mia and I and I knew I was upset that it didn't happen, but I had no idea the guilt I would have, or the hurt or anger until just this moment.

I will never forgive myself for letting someone make me feel like a fool to keep Bella's memory alive. They aren't the ones with their children's body freezing cold and rotting in the ground. Their children are right here on this earth.

I'm so sorry, Isabella. Please forgive me baby, please.