October 30, 2018

Halloween 2018

October 18, 2018

Not again...


It's been over a year since I posted.    Many times I thought about posting but it seemed like so much work.   Everything seems like so much work anymore.  I wanted things to be different, I wanted things to be better when I posted.    I feel like I'm on a people mover and it's just pushing me through life.

 I'm currently not working again.   I left my previous job that I was at for close to a year back in January, with renewed faith  (which was probably for the best because they were close to firing me anyway because I wasn't catching on as quick as they wanted).  I was getting back into the payroll world, was hoping my knowledge would come back that had been erased from ECT, making decent money, much higher on the food chain than I previous was - working my way back into management.   I was excited.   Well, that didn't end up working out either.  Turns out my memory has not returned  quite how I had hoped.  I was basically relearning everything, but I was hired in as a "Senior", so people thought that I knew stuff and would ask questions that I should know the answers to.. I mean, Christ, I've been in payroll since 2002.  I was having a very, very had time catching on to things partly because of my ECT, and partly because no one knew what the bloody hell they were doing.   There were 4 of us on a team, and 3 out of the 4 of us were new.  Plus having a new Manager who didn't know much either.  One person left to try and train the 4 of us and do her job.  There just wasn't enough hours in her day to show us all so we were floundering trying to figure out how to do things by the seat of our pants, and half the time it was wrong.  That was causing a lot of stress... Then there wasn't enough work to do.  Some days I would play on Facebook for 8 hours straight not doing a damn thing..... and it wasn't because I was lazy, there was absolutely nothing to do!  If there was stuff that needed to be done, no one told us, or we had no idea.  I was told as long as I was in by 9 or so each morning then that's fine.. No definitive start time, but the earlier I came, the earlier I got to leave.   This was a short stint, lasting exactly 90 days.  Got let go on my 90th day.  I can't say I didn't see it coming..  Those were a few difficult months for me, medication wise, going out wise.   I wasn't being a star employee that's for sure.    I didn't really care about anything after I knew the job was over my head (on payroll days at least).  There was a lot of unforeseen drama  between another employee and the Manager and I somehow got roped into resolving it, because I was a senior... That went down like a ton of bricks and I got fired 2 days later.  So, here I am again.... Just a few weeks left on Unemployment left.  So, that's how that cookie crumbled. 

I finally met someone a little after March.. right before I lost my job...   Surprisingly he parked in the same garage I did for work, so we would meet sometimes after work just for a few minutes to say hello (fate, right?).  In the beginning it was crazy..   I thought he was the "one" and let everything else fall to the wayside.  My reservations, fears, doubts.  I was just so excited.   Totally head over heels.  He was so handsome, hand breathtaking eyes, was so sweet and caring, thoughtful, funny, when we talked or texted conversation flowed freely, he was stable, independent, brilliant, I could go on and on... We had a few rough patches where I didn't know if we were going to make it through.  But we did, and we came out the other side.   We spent every minute we weren't at work together, and when I wasn't working he would come stay during the week at my house (which was much closer to his work than where he was living).  After about 4 months, he asked to move in with me, and I was a bit nervous at first, that's a huge step, especially for me.  But, I loved him and I wanted to be with him, and that's the next step and I was excited.   So, about a month later he moved in.  Brought his stuff, his kids stuff and we began living as one big happy, unconventional family.  It was like a 3 ring  circus when all the kids were together (he has 2 kids himself) but we all loved it.  Well, except for Mia, she wasn't the biggest fan of all the kids and no one her age to hang out with.  I loved having him here, the big hug and kiss I would get no matter when he came home from work.  The fact that he would help out, with the kids, or dinner, or laundry, or whatever needed done.   I never even had to ask. ( Which is amazing, especially since I was home all day, not even working, so technically all of that stuff should have been done while I was sitting at home all day. )  He never complained about it.  He hated to just sit around, so he was always doing something (I'm the opposite!  I don't mind laying around all day).    We would go to bed together, he would fall asleep, and I would watch TV for a few hours then snuggle up and go to sleep.  It was my favorite time, for the most part..  It would have been better if he was hanging out with me awake, but we got into our routine.  We would both wake up when his alarm went off at the crack of dawn, snuggle for a bit then he would get ready for work and I would try to fall asleep for a little bit, since I never sleep much at night. We would text during the day while he was at work and I was either home with the kids, or home by myself (once they started school).  Went out together on Wednesdays for a few drinks when we didn't have the kids.  We were attached at the hip.  I haven't been like this since more than 2 years ago when I had my last relationship, which ended up a complete disaster.  I didn't remember how happy and  content another person could make me.  I never thought I would let my guard down enough to know that again. 

Whew, I didn't even see it coming.  There were a few days where I was VERY sad and despondent.  When he would fall asleep, I would cry myself to sleep on my side of the bed.   I was missing him (we weren't seeing so much of each other, he would fall right asleep, then on the weekends we didn't have the kids he was usually finding something to do around the house) and I was hurt that he never took that much time to get to know about the things that were really important to me (like this blog).  I decided to show him the blog and facebook page and such myself and I was so excited to!  I was showing him videos, reading him blogs, showing him ROAK.  But he couldn't stay awake, which wasn't anything that unusual.  I don't know why, but that upset me so much.  Like he didn't care enough to make himself stay awake (in his defense, he was waking up at 5:30 every day to go to work, working all day then coming home and totally being all in when he got home until he laid his head on the pillow).  I just then shut down for a few days, didn't really talk, I guess just pouted.  I felt so alone. So many people that I love even perfect strangers have read Bellas blog and do RAOK with me.   Well, that ended up turning into the whole end of my relationship. I don't even know what happened, I was finally telling him why I was upset,  he got angry, took his anger out on me  said some mean things, which I didn't take very lightly at all.  I told him it was probably best that he didn't stay here if he thought that stuff about me.   He got his things and  started packing up the car.  I broke down in tears, and just sobbed my way through it.   It's all a blur actually.  Anyway,  he went to stay at his old house.  I was a wreck, cried all day every day, couldn't get my crap together.  Kids were eating frozen meals for days.    Some more shit went down, Mia was involved, facebook was involved.. He ended up getting really pissed at me, and I was really pissed at him.  We didn't talk for about a week, then I texted him.  Like an idiot.     What I had been hoping for all week is that he would contact me some how some way, because I'm just a stubborn snot and was trying so hard not to contact him, even though I was heartbroken at what he had said and that he had left.  Turns out I posted some stuff on Facebook (which, unfortunately I don't recall and never would have been posted had he not created the original situation to begin with (I would post here, but obviously if he was upset about that he wouldn't want me posting here - i'm sure he won't even be happy that i'm posting in general about this)) that got sent to him which set him off.  So, he really didn't have any desire to talk to me or see me again.   Which, I guess should tell me something because I've stuck around through a few big things in which I was both very hurt and very angry.    He responded to my text message and we talked a bit, just about how unhappy we both are and how mad we are at each other, etc.  I got worse over the weekend, throwing up, panic attack after panic attack, dry heaving, sobbing.  My PTSD came back in full force.  It was like 2 years ago when I had to get ECT all over again.  I literally couldn't stop crying.  I was crying in my sleep!  Friends and family were so worried me, I tried playing it off most of the week by not telling anyone anything, but it was pretty obvious.  I had nothing to calm me down.  My insurance doesn't cover ER trips, so I was on my own and that was not a good thing.   I finally calmed down a bit after texting him for a bit  (he always did have a way of calming me down).  Then we didn't talk for a bit, and some things were said that broke my heart even more so I was a wreck the whole next day, and this cycle just continued.  He wouldn't text me, but I wasn't as strong and I would text him and he would respond and I would calm down.    For the most part it was just small talk too.  It wasn't even like he was telling me he loved me and missed me and couldn't be without me and couldn't go on that he had to come back home.  He was just replying to my texts, we would ask each other how we were doing,  how the kids are, say how we are dealing with things, etc.  It took me a few times of doing this to realize that that is kind of all that it is.    And that I would just prolonging the inevitable by texting him.   So, I told him I had to cut him off and delete his number.  It's the only way I could do it.   I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. He wasn't so nice about it, but I don't think I'm helping anyone.  He doesn't want to hear from me and every time we stop talking I end up crying hard and dry heaving the entire night.  My poor friends and family are sick of hearing about it and my poor kids are sick of seeing me just walking around crying.

So, here I am again.  a complete mess, again.  I forgot how much it hurts.  I can look back at my posts from before and read how miserable I was, but to go through this again.  I literally feel like i'm just dying.    Every day the minute I open my eyes the first thing I do is start to cry.  It's like a punch in the gut. It's been over a week now.  It feels like it's been forever. Why can't I stop crying?  Why was it so easy for him to write me off when I did something that upset him, but when he did it, I worked through it?  How in the hell did I deal with loosing Bella?   This pain in unbearable, and i'm literally screaming sobbing crying all the time literally on the floor.  I know part of it is because my PTSD, and when I have a quick loss, where i'm talking to them and saying I miss you and love you then BAM, it's like the fell off the face of the earth, brings up a lot of the feelings and thoughts from when Bella died, but I'm sure even with this, it has to pale in comparison to finding Isabella dead and burying her.     Yet, I don't even know how I'm going to live through this.  I keep telling myself, I lived through Bella, my divorce and a pretty hard break up, all of which I don't know how I made it through.  I can do this. 

Well, that's whats going on with me now.  I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, so I'm posting here.  I started this blog about 3 weeks ago before all of this happened.  I had no idea that this is how the blog was going to end..  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers if you do read this.  I'm not sure how i'm going to fare through this. 

May 29, 2017


I just logged on to see that I haven't posted for about 9 months now.   I used to post a few times a week back when I first started my blog.  It helped.  I don't say much anymore. I don't post on facebook, instagram, etc.  I have settled in to this is my life.   I'm not unhappy, but I can't say that I'm happy either.  Currently my medicine is working wonders and I don't want to die but I do hope that my life gets better then it is.   I have a few friends, mostly guys, that I hang out with but still no relationship.  I'd like one sooner then later but I also want to find the right one.  My ex and his now fiancĂ©e are almost done building their dream house together.   He has the life that I have always dreamed about.   While I sit here alone and struggling.   I think I'm a good poster child to say sometimes life just isn't fair.  Bad things can happen to good people.  I just keep waiting for it to be my turn.  Eventually things have to turn around for me, and they have quite a bit.   I've come a long way in a year.     To think last year around this time I was having my ECT done 3x a week and was a hot mess to now.   I never thought I would be able to work again but I found a job and am working full time.  I had to take a substantial pay cut but it's something.   It's gotten me back into the workforce.   I haven't been doing my blessed by bella deeds lately.  I don't know if it's because I'm over that phase of my bereavement or I'm just in a rut from being broke.   It's not like I have much more money now then I did when I wasn't working for a year.  Daycare takes majority of my income. I still stay in bed most of the time when I don't have the kids, mostly because what else is there to do..  I do go out a few nights a week but when I drink it interacts with my medicines so I have to stop that as well.  I'm very happy my depression is finally under control.   The only downside is it's almost like I don't have any feelings at all.   I don't get happy either.  I'm just kind of monotone.  I can't remember the last time I've cried.  I'm finally sleeping OK.  

Well, I just wanted to check in real quick.  I hope if I don't blog for another 9 months I have a lot more positive stuff to say.

September 05, 2016


This.   Just, this